Love to Hate to Watch ‘Em: The Best Villians on Network TV

Alright, I decided to forgo a discussion about buying fruit online (how do you know it’ll be fresh???), so you know that this next post holds a special place in my small, shriveled heart.

For the record, I don’t watch a lot of TV compared to the average American (a day’s worth of TV every 3 hours). But it’s not to the point where I walk around talking about how I don’t really watch TV. Avoid those people at all cost. They are soulless creatures with no redeeming qualities. Feel free to scroll down and read some of their Hamsterdam contributions. 

known TV hater

My moderate amount of television consumption means one thing – time to judge!

Today’s topic: Best Network TV Villians

Villains are the reason I watch TV. No, that’s a lie. I’m a commercials guy. Like the life of a toddler drowning in a vat of honey, they are short and sweet.

But the accompanying shows are alright, too. So why do people tune in between commercials? Well, it turns out people enjoy heroic character development. Yes, the growth of a central, lovable, and flawed or misguided hero creates a great story. This is USDA-choice bunk. It’s all about the villains.

Villain rules:

  1. You do not need to exhibit any personal growth (but you can)
  2. You don’t need super-secret motives. Everyone can know about your diabolical schemes – still, subversion is always fun to watch unfold.
  3. You may don’t have to be pretty. But a hot villain just makes a show exponentially better.
  4. You should be at least one of the following: determined, clever, or misunderstood. Yet you need to remain bad.
  5. My favorite: you don’t need to possess knowledge of self – you can be a villain and not even realize it!

Let’s break down the list of Top 5 Network TV villains for 2010.

5. Joy Behar, The View

Check it out, a non-sitcom curveball!

It’s easy to swipe a little material from Gilda Radner when it comes to discussing B-Dubs, so let’s avoid that. Let’s talk Joy Behar, perhaps the whiniest co-host of a five-woman talk show we’ve ever known. Joy used to be considered funny, but that was in the 1990s, when humor was in a deep, deep recession (see 8:48; also, learn a foreign language!). Now, she spends a most of her time getting very angry at Republicans Conservatives people with other viewpoints.

Do people really enjoy her as a person? Stop having political guests on if you can’t keep your cool. I’m probably not all that far off from her when it comes to “the issues”, but gee-mo-nee, grow up lady.

… yet I’m willing to overlook those faults.

However, I will NOT allow someone to get by with blatant racism…especially when it is against cats. Here, Joy goads Barbara into some very racist hate-speech against our feline friends.

And to think, this made it past the censors. I don’t know who you think you are lady, but that shit isn’t cool. Barbara didn’t even know what she was doing! What a monster.

4. Patrick, Biggest Loser Season 10

Alright, quick test: Let’s pretend I gave you a sheet of paper, and asked you to write down certain traits that all “villains” have on reality shows. You would probably make a list including the following:

  • forms alliances
  • deceives other contestants into thinking that they’re cool
  • betrays friends as a means of self-preservation

Congrats! You’ve just identified Patrick, the lovable lummox from Vicksburg. Patrick may appear sweet, kind, and charming, but Satan is most definitely his motor. He’s almost single-handedly been responsible for a lot of the turmoil this season, but somehow it’s never really his fault. He’s just a dad from Missasippa!

How convenient.

Still, it’s fun to cheer for him.

3. Ben Linus, LOST

Don’t whine about this one.

Yes, that show was on in 2010.

Yes, the finale was awful.

But Henry Gale may go down as one of the best villains ever conceived. He  managed to outwit, outplay, and outlast everyone on the island (c’mon, you knew the Survivor parallel was inevitable). Hell, he basically dared a mercenary to shoot his own daughter.

He probably wishes he had a mulligan on that one.

But man, what a great character. THE reason to tune into LOST for 4 seasons, before the reason became “I just want to finish this plate of dungus.”

2. Rachel, Glee

Ha, you expected Sue Sylvester? How oblivious are you? Rachel may have THE best voice on TV right now, and makes the hot villain list. Yes, she’s a main character, but think: why should she be considered a heroine? She is manipulative, greedy, egotistical, nobody likes her…you get the point. So we should forgive her for her ways because she belts out a heartfelt song?

Hellz 2 the naw, dawg.

Just because she’s sympathetic on some level doesn’t make her a good guy. You know that Sue is going to say something rude and work to undermine Mr. Shuester (seen above, oggling). But when Rachel does something bad, it stings. Rachel peels back the band-aid and applies a healthy dose of lemon juice.  And that’s just what we need from more of our “Who, me?” villains these days.

1. Señor Chang, Community

Like I really need to explain this one. Chang is everything you could want from a villain: sarcastic, insatiable, maniacal, and the ultimate pop-and-locker. If there’s a reason I watch Thursday night TV on NBC, he’s it. And this has been your first taste of Spanish one-oh-dos, the semester I get inside your cabezas!

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