Things That Don’t Suck About Snow

Hey, did you know it snowed yesterday?! I have a love/hate relationship with snow. Much like running around naked outside, snow is something my inner child loves but my practical adult side realizes will only lead to confinement and isolation, whether it’s in a jail cell or my apartment (not really much difference between the two, come to think of it). But you don’t have to be a child to recognize that snow has some good things going for it. Here are five of them:

5. It makes Christmas movies possible: Granted, I realize the snow in most movies is made of potato shavings or cocaine or something, but we’re talking about the concept of snow here. Think of any great Christmas movie and chances are it’s got copious amounts of snow. Without snow, classics like It’s a Wonderful LifeA Christmas Story, and Reindeer Games just wouldn’t be the same. There is a downside to this, though, which is why it checks in at number five: all that snow creates unrealistic expectations. Growing up, every Christmas that didn’t have snow (which was pretty much every Christmas) was mildly disappointing, wasn’t it? Of course, I grew up thinking I’d be a stud shooting guard for the Orlando Magic and now I’m a 5’9” white guy writing a crappy blog post that no one will read on a Thursday night. So movie snow isn’t the only thing out there creating unrealistic expectations, you know?

4. It makes mountains look way more badass: It’s just a scientific fact that mountains with snow of them look infinitely more badass than mountains without snow. I mean, does anyone really take the Appalachians seriously? Snow mountains even have more badass names: Sawtooth and Bitterroot versus Allegheny and Pocono? Here’s some photographic evidence:

Badass Sawtooth Mountains with snow.

Nub Appalachians with no snow. Ooh, trees. Never seen any of those before!

3. Walking to the grocery store in the snow: I grew up a few blocks from the nearest grocery store, and after big storms my dad and I would always walk to the grocery store, whether we really needed groceries or not. It kind of feels like being a post-apocalyptic survivor who has reverted to his ingrained hunter/gatherer instincts, except without zombies and everyone you ever knew being dead and having no hope for the future of mankind and what not. Really, about the only thing it actually has in common with post-apocalyptic survival is shopping carts and canned food. 

2. Snow football games: Every generation has a defining snow game. For my generation, it’s the Tuck Rule game that started the Patriots dynasty, made hoodies acceptable for old white people (wait, is that a good thing?), and launched a little-known backup named Tom Brady on his eventual path to Douche Emeritus status. For people who think Don Hutson and his analog 40 time of 5.6 are the greatest wide receiver ever, it’s the Ice Bowl. (Note: A quick fact check reveals that it wasn’t snowing during the Ice Bowl and that Don Hutson retired more than 20 years before it was played. Oh well.) Obviously, the HD era has taken the awesomeness of snow games to a new era. I don’t care who’s playing or what the stakes/score are, if I’m flipping around and see a snow game, I’m stopping and there’s a good chance I’m staying there. I think the thought of the Tuck Rule game in HD would probably make Bill Simmons’ head explode. Good thing no one is going to read this!

1. It makes Arctic commandos possible: Pretty simple equation here. No snow = no Arctic commandos and their badass white/grey cammo and snow goggles. We all know the Arctic commando was the best character for Goldeneye multiplayer, but for the best evidence of the appeal of Arctic commandos, look at Inception. In terms of critical and audience reception, it was probably the most successful movie of 2010 despite the fact that by the third act it made no damn sense. While it might have lacked any semblence of sense, you know what the movie’s third act DID have? Arctic commandos, that’s what! And lots of them. It was basically a recreation of the snow levels from Goldeneye single player, except with more snowmobiles, better weapons, and dreamboat Leo DiCaprio. Oh, and Pete Postlethwaite dying of cancer in a secret underground lair (WTF?). Like I said, it doesn’t have to make sense if it has arctic commandos. I hope that rule also applies to this post.

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