How You Got Fat Over the Holidays

Whoa! What happened there guy? It looks like you are smuggling a few extra Qdoba burritos in that shirt.

Well, fear not, because it’s the first week of January, and you know what that means: paying exorbitant amounts of money to start a fitness/diet regiment. Spinning, here you come!

Man that looks like a lot of fun. All that moving, yet going nowhere. Basically, the Hornets franchise of exercises.

How did this happen? Why are you doing step exercises with a group of women old enough to be at a Skid Row concert? Well…you ate. You ate and ate and ate and ate. And then you napped. It’s been the Winter of Your Content. So let’s have a little food coma flashback and retrace how you made it to this point.

Oyster Stuffing


Ingredients: oysters, breadcrumbs, chicken stock, celery, onions, butter, additional herbs and spices.

Preparation: Toss together, cram into bird, cook in oven for half an hour.

Tastes like: chewy, fishy Stove Top.

Reminds you of: DelMarVa Thanksgivings, those little statues you can buy in small harbor towns, the BP Oil Spill.

Rating: 6.5/10, about as high as any sea creature can go (outside of a good Snork fried rice).

Ham and Pomp


Ingredients: a large ham, sweet glaze (fruited or honey), nutmeg, whiskey, guns.

Preparation: Wrap ham in foil, bake in oven until USDA say it is safe tastes best, pour sickeningly sweet substance over the top, cook for another 15 minutes. Drink heavily.

Reminds you of: The Alvistime miracle. After all, he was the holiest man ever to slap iron.

Rating: 8/10 if you like ham, 12/10 if you like guns.

Green Bean Casserole

sadness, canned.

Ingredients: canned green beans, cream of mushroom soup, fried onion pieces.

Preparation: Mix everything together, save half of fried onions so that you can eat them while the other stuff cooks in the oven. Eat alone, or in front of a mirror.

Reminds you of: shame.

Rating: 9/10, because you get it all to yourself.

Box of Russell Stover’s Chocolates

now available in splashbutt

Ingredients: chocolate, lemon cream, raspberry cream, mint cream if you do it right. Anything else, and it was obviously a present from someone who doesn’t respect you at all.

Preparation: remove plastic wrapping, open lid, tear through all but two – oh, what the hell, you’ve already eaten 26 of them. Besides, you’re going to start running soon!

Reminds you of: your diabetes medication.

Rating: 5/10 – thanks Grandma! Keep sending those $10 checks as well.

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