A Man with No Class Searches for One.

The upper crust vs. the salt of the earth. I’m really not sure who I would fight alongside of if a full-scale war broke out, pitting people of lesser means against people of greater means’ robots.

Probably how they will choose to destroy yo..uhh, I mean us, us, comrade!

I decided to flirt with the consumption patterns of both groups to learn how to survive in diversified habitats. Five tests! God I love tests. I’m not going to sleep in an abandoned warehouse on a chilly night, nor am I going to spend a week in Dubai swimming in gold. But I will spend a night seeing how the other halves live…how the other thirds…ah screw it, I did things tonight.

Test 1: Programming

Subject A: American Experience on PBS (“U.S. Grant: Warrior”)
Did you know that Grant’s father-in-law, Colonel Dent, had 20 slaves? It’s true! Grant also planted potatoes, and was stationed at Fort Humbolt, where he developed a reputation as a drunkard. I learned all these things on television? Say it ain’t so!

Subject B: Oregon vs. Auburn BCS National Championship
Pageantry, bright colors, screaming fans. This is what football is all about. Somebody got Hi-Liter all over the screen though. Looks like a used college textbook. But since it’s SEC football, no books were harmed in the making of this product..

One of the biggest plays of the BCS Championship game

Winner: BCS Football. You can’t even watch American Experience for longer than 10 minutes without buying a ticket to sleepytown.

Test 2: Food

Subject A: Peppered chickpea with aromatics and citrus
Fruity, but with some spiciness from the garlic and onion. Really this is just a fancy name for a couple things that got thrown together that didn’t work as well as I’d hope.

Subject B:  Foot-long Subway sandwich w/ cheese
Admittedly, a veggie patty doesn’t hold the standing of a big slab of chicken, or a steak & cheese, but it is super processed. And it’s loaded with toppings and condiments. Quantity rears its ugly head. Aren’t these things supposed to be good for you? I guess I’m doing it wrong.

Not sure which Michael Phelps joke to make.

Winner: Split decision. The chickpea salad is lighter and healthier, but the sub actually fills you up. I’m missing a really good metaphor here.

Test 3: Music

Subject A: Tortoise – In Sarah, Mencken, Christ, and Beethoven There Were Women and Men
Ah, the smooth sounds of Chicago post-rock legends Tortoise. No vocals, no pop arrangements, no problem. Striking, sweeping, genre-bending, really, what music should be.

Subject B: Josh Turner – Your Man
One of my favorite crooners in country music (or the only one I actually know). I appreciate a man with a low voice. Uncomplicated theme. It kind of makes me long for simpler times, like Saturday afternoon, when my biggest decision was black or grey sweatpants.

Winner: Truly a battle of different styles. Have to pick Tortoise here though.

Test 4: Drink of choice

Subject A: Scotch (12-year)
Smooth yet spicy, and a touch of oak. Certainly not as refined as an 18- or 21-year whisky, but a pleasure to sip either way. Bless your heart, scotchmaker.

Note to self: blog about scotch more often.

Subject B: Miller Lite (1 month past date on bottom)
Jeebus, why did I even open this thing? It smells like a shoe. At least it has the famous Miller Lite taste, which is like a watered-down shoe. Every swig gets worse. It’s basically 12 fluid ounces of The Recession.

Winner: Scotch in a landslide.

Test 5: Website

Subject A: The New Yorker – Ange Mlinko’s “Bliss Street”
This is a little more powerful than I expected. Not as light-hearted as I would have liked. I feel guilty for cheating it with the beer and football beforehand. It really hits you in the face with a sock full of reality.

Subject B: Spank the Monkey
In case you didn’t have enough of 2000.

I truly regret google imaging this.

Winner: Tough call, the music is really catch in the game. I guess I have to give it to the monkey?

Well, there you have it, folks. It’s a split. Two for the upper crust, two for the salt of the earth, and one toss-up. If that’s not science, I don’t know what is. Seriously, I need to know: what is science?

I didn’t intend for this to happen so I could draw out some painful moral. It’s just nice to have a little variety, I guess. So enjoy your Miller Lite and poetry. The robots will be swift in their delivery of justice.

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