Jersey Shore Power Rankings – Week 3

Big week for the Shore-ers (nope). We’ve had 2 episodes in the last week due to an MLK Day special episode. Everyone knows Dr. King had a dream about a world where two sub-five-foot pieces of orange garbage can have a threesome with a human anteater on cable television. 

It has become evident that JS is at its best when the producers allow it to be what it truly is-a comedy. The worst parts of the show are all the dramatic scenes, usually involving Sammi and Ronny. No one is losing any sleep over their relationship. No one cares if Sammi isn’t friends with Snooki. People want to see the cast members getting drunk and being goofy because that’s what’s funny and entertaining. We’re not watching because we care about these characters, we’re watching because they look weird and say crazy things. The quicker the show’s producers understand this, the quicker we will recapture the magic of the first season. 

The Girls

The true meaning of Jersey Shore

So after two highly eventful (and, in one case, even entertaining!) episodes, we’re back to sort through the used condoms and half-eaten fried pickles to see if we can make sense of it all. This week we will outline the comedic value of the characters and how they contribute to the show. The show is, after all, a comedy.

8. Sammi



Sammi provides no comedy at all. Even worse, she prevents Ronnie from being funny, so she actually is negative funny. There is an argument that is sometimes made that she is somehow necessary to create conflict and keep things interesting. The problem here is that the worst parts of the show are the conflicts between Sam and Ron, Sam and the other girls, Sam and fun, etc. Actual fights are so rare and unsatisfying that they don’t make up for the twenty or so minutes per episode that are wasted on the characters simply talking about the conflict. Deena said it best: “I have no idea why Sammi is here. She’s boring. There’s nothing to her. She’s just there. She’s like furniture.” 

7. Ronnie


A Dolphin on steroids

Ronnie finally broke away from Sammi long enough to have a little fun. He was able to go back to old Ronnie and let loose with the guys, cooking turkey burgers at 4:30 in the morning like real men are supposed to. Many people want Ronnie free of Sammi so he can be single and get drunk and make out with two chicks like he did in Miami. That’s all well and good, but what makes Ronnie great all the rest of the time is that Ronnie’s always excited. He’s game. You could see it when he was on the boardwalk, dragging Vinny to get on the rides and dancing with Pauly waiting in (on) line for the roller coaster. He loves the guys, and he loves fun. Unfortunately, he also loves Sammi.

6. Deena


I love to dance, and get off of me!

Massive potential here. She’s so excited and fresh and ready to get trashed. She’s a great playmate for Snooki and clearly doesn’t mind laughing at herself. At this point, though, that’s all she really brings to the table.



Your boobs look amazing.

Jenny is really starting to slip. Her biggest moments were an indecisive fight, a drunken phone conversation, and peeing behind a bar. At least she peed behind a bar. She’s kind of fading into the background. She’s great at making offhand comments about what is going on, but not much else. She’s yet to have her own real story line, so there’s hope. She does make a great partner for Snooki’s hilarity to bounce off of. 

4. Pauly


You don’t come in on Sunday with a big banana and expect everything to be peaches.

Pauly is basically a funnier version of JWOWW at this point. He really doesn’t do anything crazy and it doesn’t seem like he even drinks. What makes Pauly great is that everyone seems to genuinely like him, which gives him free range to just drop hilarious comments about whatever is happening at the time, however serious.

3. Vinny


Maybe you should lick it before you stick it.

Vinny is continuing to blossom. Running from the stalker in the club was golden. He’s becoming a big hit with the ladies, which is always entertaining. He works so well with all the other characters (except Sam) because he’s willing to be silly and a nice guy at the same time. It was exemplified best in the scene where he helped Snooki and Deena get their ball off the roof. Snooki and Deena are basically helpless gerbils and Vinny comes to their aid while managing to work in a beer bong or two. That is what Jersey Shore is all about.

2. The Situation


Kitchin’ Ditchin’

After getting left out in the cold by Vinny (sharing is caring, Vin), Sitch really rebounded by denying Deena not once (I’m good), but twice (Kitchen Ditchin’). Great work by Sitch, but he’s been overtaken by a 4’9”, perfectly round blazing sun of comedy.

1. Snookie


There’s the beach.

Snookie’s time has come. There was no way I couldn’t bump her up after her virtuoso performance the past two episodes. Getting drunk, hiding in a bush, getting drunk, trying to rape Vinny, almost tricking Situation into banging Deena, sitting in a mini-fridge, getting drunk, getting drunk at work, eating fried pickles (DELICIOUS), drinking with lesbians, looking for the beach, and getting arrested. THIS IS WHAT THE SHOW IS.

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2 Responses to Jersey Shore Power Rankings – Week 3

  1. Snooki says:

    no one reads your blog

    • stroterp says:

      Snooki, what are you doing in the Dundalk area? Do you want to meet up? Seriously, I think you are awesome and your new workout routine clearly has you looking trim.

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