Presumptive Football Reviews: Conference Championships

It’s expensive to gamble on football. Here at Hamsterdam we would NEVER endorse gambling on football; in fact, most of us don’t even know what a pointspread is. It’s not expensive to simulate the games on whatifsports.com, read the box scores, and pretend that’s what actually happened.

We’ll simulate each of our remaining championship contenders against a common opponent, with margin of victory determining who will advance in this weird little tournament. This week we’ll get to see how Darrell Revis, Aaron Rodgers, Devin Hester, and Shaun Suisham would do against the vaunted 1972 Miami Dolphins.


The ‘72 Dolphins are known for being the only team in NFL history to have an undefeated season, win the Super Bowl, and then act like huge douches about it. Running back Mercury Morris has basically made a living talking trash about every good team since, and former Dolphins players famously gather annually after the last undefeated NFL team has lost a game and celebrate with a champagne toast. Look, I’m not one to get in between a man and his beverage, especially old dudes with brain damage, but let’s take it easy fellas. You know King of Kong? Nobody likes that guy. Nobody.

Even the kicker is a douche parade. Even the kicker.

That season, Miami led the league in points scored and points allowed. The defense was a workmanlike unit, full of tough, gritty, grindy, all-heart, no-talent white guys (probably) and was nicknamed “The No-Name Defense.” Offensively they were loaded with stars and mustaches; Griese, Morris, Csonka, and Warfield are names we still laugh at revere today.

Miami’s best running back was black. But the two white RBs get the SI cover. Good job, 1970s. Although those mustaches are pretty amazing.

AFC

Pittsburgh Steelers 31, Miami Dolphins 14 (+17)

New York Jets 20, Miami Dolphins 10 (+10)

Ben Roethlisberger assaulted the No-Name Defense, throwing for three touchdowns as the Steelers advanced to the Super Bowl. This one was over in a hurry, as the Steelers were up 28-7 midway through the second and cruised to victory. The Jets also handled the Dolphins, particularly in the heralded Warfield/Revis matchup. Warfield was held to two catches for 17 yards; he probably shouldn’t have spent all that time self-promoting if he was going to get completely erased from a playoff game.

“We have to go back, Mercury! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!” — Paul Warfield, post-island


NFC

Chicago Bears 6, Miami Dolphins 3 (+3)

Green Bay Packers 13, Miami Dolphins 3 (+10)

The No-Name Defense (they actually did have names, for the record) did their part, shutting down both big-play NFC North offenses. Green Bay was able to take control in the 3rd quarter, picking off two Griese passes and getting a long score from John Kuhn, who immediately grew a mustache which was featured on 60 Minutes. The Chicago/Miami matchup was a real barnburner; I don’t mean that facetiously, I mean it literally. People were so bored by this game that they went outside and burned barns down. (Alternate punchline, literary division: “…that they turned off the TV and read Faulkner.”) Jay Cutler shrugged a couple times, and Don Shula led everyone in a toast to boring-ass football.

So the Super Bowl match up has been decreed: Green Bay vs Pittsburgh. Join us in two weeks to find out which team will fare better against the 1987 replacement Washington Redskins!

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About Keegs

more blogs about buildings and food
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