You’re 25; Stop Putting Your Balls On Other Guys (And Doing Other Stuff)

I recently turned 25, the first of my close friends to do so. In addition to giving me a chance to reflect on what a miserable failure my first quarter-century of life has been (and lie to myself about changes I’m going to make [but not really] to improve things), this milestone also gave me cause to realize how much more mature and awesome I am than most of my friends. Or how much more of an uptight, self-important asshole I am. Depends on your perspective I guess. Thus, I give you my list of things you should probably stop doing by the time you turn 25:

These are teabags. They’re used to make tea, not to put your balls on your friends.

-Putting your genitals on other guys: This is assuming you’re heterosexual; if you’re a gay man, more power to you when it comes to putting your genitals on other similarly inclined dudes.

But anyway, I’ve never really understood the urge of ostensibly hetero guys to put their genitals on other ostensibly hetero guys, which seems to usually coincide with inebriation. Maybe something about being drunk turns some guys back to the Stone Age and makes them feel that they need to assert their dominance over other males through humiliation.

But really guys, it’s the 21st century. We can buy meat at the grocery store, tools at Home Depot, and wives on the Internet. You’ll probably survive and be able to procreate without putting your balls on your passed-out friend’s face. Just stop it.

Of course, this is a two-way street; if you’re 25 and still routinely getting drunk enough to allow your face to become a canvas for your buddy’s flaccid jams, it might be time to re-assess your life choices. Or at least find more inhibited friends.

Unless you’re British and talking about one of these, you probably have no reason to say “fag.”

-Using “gay” or “retarded” as pejoratives: Don’t know what a pejorative is? Then this entry is probably for you, because you probably call things “gay” or “retarded” all the time. Ideally you would’ve stopped doing this no later than middle school, but if you’ve managed to get through high school, possible higher education, and years in the working world without picking up any more descriptive and less offensive adjectives, it might be time to close that copy of Maxim, put down that light beer whose commercials don’t give ripatranzone boners, and learn some new fucking words, you homo.

Alternate title: “The Autobiography of fhyrew.”

-Liking terrible Adam Sandler movies: OK, nostalgia is a strong feeling, and when you were 13, you thought Little Nicky was the pinnacle of American cinema. But you know what else you thought when you were 13? That Limp Bizkit was your generation’s answer to the Beatles, professional wrestling and your parents’ love for each other were real, and girls with outies couldn’t get pregnant.

Plus, we’re living in a golden age of raunchy comedies for the 18-30-something crowd that are actually good movies to boot, like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Knocked Up (OK, I haven’t seen the last two, but all the cool kids on the Internet rave about them, so they must be great).

So there’s really no need to pop in Mister Deeds for the 38th time the next time you need a laugh. You can do better.

-Only wearing underwear that feature cartoon characters: At least that’s what my mom keeps telling me. Er, I mean, at least that’s what your mom keeps telling me. Dammit. Good thing no one except ripatranzone’s mom is still reading this.

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