Film School: What to do if you find an alien

You may encounter situations in your life for which there is no possible preparation. Luckily, movies are a great substitute for real-life experience. In Film School, we look at what television and movies can teach us about these unexpected scenarios.

Untitled

It could happen anywhere. You could be sitting at home, driving your car, or flailing helplessly as your wheelchair flies off a cliff, when suddenly you find yourself face to face with a creature from outer space. What to do? Well, first and foremost…

DETERMINE IF THE ALIEN IS ALONE

Alien movies break down into two distinct types of encounters. One involves an adorable alien that’s lost its family or crashed haplessly into your garage. The other involves a whole bunch of aliens and usually involves the destruction of one or more recognizable landmarks. I plan to write about what to do during an alien invasion in a later installment. My apologies if you come across that situation before I get around to it, but I really wanted to write about the cute scenario first.

O.K., so you’ve established that it’s just one alien. Good! Now…

BRING IT HOME

You and this alien are about to be best friends. So throw a blanket over that sucker and get it back to your house as fast as you can. Don’t worry if it struggles, that’s just because it doesn’t know, trust or understand you – problems which will be solved shortly somehow.

Ghost costume

It’s probably safe to assume there’s an alien or Scooby Doo villain under any ghost costume.

Then, once you’ve got your alien home…

FEED IT JUNK FOOD

No matter where this creature is from or what its digestive system entails, one thing can be certain. It will love name brand junk food (None of that generic, bulk bin stuff. This alien is part of an interplanetary space mission. He’s not poor.) Bond with your new best friend over a bag of Reese’s Pieces, or better yet, take him to McDonald’s for food, fun and an elaborate dance routine.

Full disclosure: I wrote this entire post just for an excuse to talk about Mac and Me.

If you do decide to take your alien out of your home for some food, make sure that you, above all else..

KEEP IT AWAY FROM THE GOVERNMENT

If alien movies and Michele Bachmann have taught us anything, it’s that government is evil.

government guys mac and me

And LAME.

All the government wants to do is study your alien, figure out where it came from and why it’s here. Well that’s none of their business. Scientists, researchers, NASA – these people are not to be trusted. Tell no one about your new friend, unless you know some neighborhood children who can keep a secret. And whenever you leave the house, be sure to disguise your alien in costumes that should fool no one but for some reason do.

aliens in disguise_edited_2

How is “dancing teddy bear” less shocking than alien?

Other things to keep in mind:

  • Probably best to keep your alien away from other animals, especially house pets or farm animals. Not saying it’s definitely going to eat them, Alf-style, but…well, Gonzo was a little too interested in chickens. Just better not to tempt them is all I’m saying.
  • Don’t feed them after midnight. I’m pretty sure Gizmo wasn’t an alien, but I don’t know what he was and, quite frankly, I think we’d all rather avoid finding this in our kitchen.
  • gremlins

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One Response to Film School: What to do if you find an alien

  1. Pingback: Top 10 Hamsterdam Posts of 2011 |

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