Jersey Shore Power Rankings – Week 4

Don’t look now, but we could possibly be entering a golden age of Jersey Shore. The signs are all around us. We’ve had back-to-back great episodes, both of which featured very little Sammi. The preview for this week features violence (always a great thing) and the possible departure of Sammi (the greatest thing). We also get treated to the revealing of the Grenade Whistle and single JWOWW is unleashed on the public. Outside of the show itself, it was announced that season 4 will take place in Italy, which was met with a universally positive response. Things are definitely looking up. 

8. Duck Phone

Duck Phone

Waaack Wack Wack Wack

After last week when we all agreed that Jersey Shore is a comedy, I felt it necessary to exclude cast members who provide negative comedy (Sammi). Someone has to be ranked #8 this week, so it’s the Duck Phone. The Duck Phone has without a doubt provided more comedy than Sammi. There’s just something hilarious about seeing the cast members deal with serious issues like arrests and angry breakups while talking into a phone shaped like a duck. Word on the street is that il L’anatra phone quattro will feature speaker phone, which is designed to cut down on the rash of ear herpes that spread like wildfire among the cast members.

7. Fake Ronnie

Fake Ronnie

I’m not going to buy into the hype and anoint Fake Ronnie as the replacement for Ronnie, but he certainly gave the show a shot in the arm. The guys really took to him and seemed to really enjoy having him around in lieu of real Ronnie. The boys bringing him into see SamRon was a moment of spontaneous hilarity on several levels. Not only did he know Ronnie, but he has a girlfriend named Sam, a fact he quickly acknowledged then clammed up about, which was prudent given the fact that Deena was off changing into a bikini waiting for Fake Ron to join her in the hot tub. Fake Ronnie likely won’t make another appearance, but he was certainly useful for some great laughs this episode. 

6. Real Ronnie

Ronnie and Sammi

Ron and Sam in their natural habitat

Are we 100 percent sure that Ronnie and Sammi haven’t contracted polio or something? Are they on doctor-ordered bed rest? They spend more time in bed than Charlie Bucket’s grandparents. Even when Ron manages to get himself vertical, he’s attacking JWOWW for spending time with Roger. Yeah Ron, JWOWW hanging with a friend at a club is basically the same thing as making out with grenades in Miami then going to bed with Sammi. No difference. 

5. The Situation




4. Snooki

Snooki takes an expected drop this week after last episode’s stellar performance. Think of it as the hangover after the bender—talk of not drinking again and a lot of coffee and pooping. 

3. Deena

Deena is really coming into her own. She gets a huge jump for hanging with the guys, making out with chicks, and doing body shots—but mostly for bringing home Fake Ronnie. Looks like the producers hit a home run by bringing in Deena. She’s a slightly less freakish-looking version of Snooki that boardwalk Juiceheads aren’t aware is a celebrity, yet.

2. JWOWW

JWOWW finally gets her day in the sun, rids herself of Tom, and is ready to shine. I felt genuinely sad for her at the end, though. You could tell she was legitimately stressed to lose her hard drive. There are probably a lot of papers left over from college that she wanted to keep (naked pictures).

1. Pauly D and Vinny

Dear Sam, 

Ronnie hooked up with Deena in the hot tub, in lieu of, resulting in, ending up in the bed with you, for the most part. To the third party. You know what I mean.

Oh, we know what you mean. We know what you mean and we’re loving every second of it.

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One Response to Jersey Shore Power Rankings – Week 4

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