Here at Hamsterdam, we know what you crave: everything Super Bowl.
Accordingly, we’ve sent our hard-hitting reporters, in-depth researchers, mildly attractive interns, and overly salacious nephews out to Dallas to bring you the best stories from Super Bowl XLV. Our analysts work around the clock to provide rare player interviews, injury updates, and groundbreaking stats you
won’t find can’t find haven’t found anywhere else. Great job, team!
Our crack reporters pose for a photo op with Scott Wolf.
While our worker bees are out there manufacturing that sweet sweet Super Bowl honey, us Hamsterdrones are kicking back at the hive, sampling the royal jelly, sending each other twitpics and playing ungodly amounts of Tekken 3. And starting rumors.
Yes, that right: don’t think we hadn’t saved a few juicy tidbits for the stumpleupon public. We’ve got only the finest NFL rumors the internet can spread. The absolute juiciest. We’re talking Hi-C Ecto Cooler levels of material here! For all the NFL flibbertigibbets out there, make sure you go into this game prepared.
One of the things you will start. Only $150.
Scenario 1: Arrive at the Super Bowl party. You and your friends are catching up, reliving college glory days and telling each other “wild” stories about your respective boring-ass workplaces. Then one of the guys breaks the sports silence with “How dumb are the 22 teams that passed on Rodgers at the 2005 draft? Including Minnesota twice!” Amateur, you think as you smile and let the first one fly.
Rumor 1: “Is Rodgers still on the hook for that massive gambling debt?”
Context: Tame, right? Well, people decided to go DEFCON 2 with the Roethlisberger jokes a few years back and look where we are now. In the spirit of being less mean-spirited, I think gambling is a good compromise: defamation of character and nobody gets hurt. When people start asking “What debt?”, you can get into the nitty gritty of the Milwaukee mafia, a couple golf games gone awry, and betting against his own team. Talking points include the 2010 NFC Wildcard Round and this season’s red zone flub in the NFC Championship. Just plant the seed, and if Rodgers ends up tossing a pick, well then, shepherd, you have your flock.
Rodgers, avoiding a creditor.
Scenario 2: You head to the other room during the 1st quarter to reload on buffalo chicken dip. Two of the girls stand near the food, talking about non-football things of little interest. One does bring up the halftime show, though. You decide this would be a great place to casually drop a creamy, steamy one.
Rumor 2: “I heard the entire cast of Glee is performing at the end of halftime.”
Context: Seems harmless enough, right? This is the trickle-down Reaganomics of rumors – massive enjoyment for a select few, milquetoast for the rest. Here, let me show you a something:
I am not embarrassed to state where I fall on this graph.
You’d better be on good terms with your buddies, because once you start this brushfire, the Santa Ana winds of women talking will be sure to carry it throughout the county. Within four minutes, all women in attendance and outside of the TV room will know (three minutes, if they’re on twitter). As for the consequences? Well, everyone will be forced to sit through the immaculate FOX halftime show, because your buddy’s house is also your buddy’s girlfriend’s house. Brutal outcome for those hoping to enjoy the 30 minute break. Pretend to volunteer to make a food run right before halftime – you’ll be the envy of all the guys by the time you return. Not that you aren’t already, you fabulous piece of meat you.
You are the bacon-looking thing.
Scenario 3: Tight game, 3rd quarter draws to a close. This could be one for the ages. One of your friends remarks “Gotta like Pittsburgh’s D in this situation. I’d take them 10 out of 10 times.”
Rumor 3: “I heard Polamalu absorbed his twin brother in the womb.”
Context: Something has to be giving this guy the superhuman strength necessary to come back from an ankle injury and steal the NFL DPOY. Some people will say diet and a vicious exercise regiment. I say it’s his twin brother Roy’s extra metabolism and set of kidneys. There’s just no way just one man can be that tough.
An undated photo of happier times in the Polamalu household. It’s not a rumor!
While the rumor itself is benign, the growth might be something Troy wants to get checked out soon. By the 4th quarter, if nobody is drunk enough to believe you, you picked a terrible party to attend. Grab the 5-pound tub of cheese balls and get the hell out of there.
Enjoy Media Day today everyone! If you are in Dallas, look for the Hamsterdam booth. Hint: it’ll be the one staffed by Matthew Fox and Lacey Chabert.