Presumptive Super Bowl Commercial Reviews

It’s expensive to watch Super Bowl commercials. OK, actually it’s not, but I’m sticking with the formula here, so humor me. It’s not expensive to guess what kinds of ads companies will run during the Super Bowl and critique them without actually seeing them. Here we go:

Sorry Danica. It’s not you, it’s ripatranzone. A C-list celeb or moderately attractive female athlete strips off a few articles of clothing and says a few sexually suggestive things. Viewers are then told to visit to “see what happens next,” which none of them actually do because, you know, you can look at actual pornography on the Internet for free. Or so I’ve heard.


Coke Zero: The last time the Steelers were in the Super Bowl, Coke Zero scored big with a take-off on the classic “Have a Coke and a Smile” ad featuring Troy Polamalu. This year’s ad features a sloppily drunken Ben Roethlisberger (see banner for visual aid) offering a similarly drunken co-ed a “Cock and a Smile.” She declines, at which point the Coke Zero guys cut in, dismayed to see their classic ad desecrated yet again. An enraged Ben forces them into a bathroom, at which point viewers are told to go to to “see what happens next.” Roger Goodell declines to do so before suspending Ben four games.

Picture her as a camera and you’ll get the idea.

American Cancer SocietyAaron Rodgers walks past the camera without acknowledging its existence. Clay Matthews appears to swoop in and save the day, only to start talking about Duchenne instead of cancer, which leads everyone at your party to snicker because he said “Douche.” Seriously, as if having a debilitating muscular disease weren’t bad enough, it’s named Duchenne? The world is a cruel fucking place. 

-Bud Lite: A guy or several guys act like assholes who value shitty light beer more highly than the women in their lives, whom they only view as sex objects anyway, because men are pigs and pigs buy shitty light beer. Or, speaking of pigs, some animals fart. Guys who like putting their balls on other guys are amused by these commercials, which leads them to buy more shitty light beer, which leads to them getting more drunk, which leads to them putting their balls on each other. It’s a vicious cycle.

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