Green Bay vs. Pittsburgh: The Non-Football Showdown No One Has Been Waiting For

I only recently started caring about football when I discovered “watching the games” is a more socially acceptable description of what I did on Sunday than “sat on the coach, doing literally nothing with my life.” So I’m hardly qualified to write about the Super Bowl outside of reviewing the halftime show. And thanks to Fergie, my review for this year’s is already done.

“It sucked.” – outspokenslactivist, February 7, 2011

What I am qualified to do is compare the two teams hometowns’ based on arbitrarily chosen characteristics to determine which city is better. The results will prove, once and for all, that I have too much time on my hands to think about these things.

One thing can be said about Green Bay, Wisconsin and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. If it weren’t for football, we wouldn’t be talking about them. But since both these cities have teams in the BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR, America suddenly remembers that they exist. So let’s compare these two oft-forgotten cities.

Yup, those are definitely both places.

Round 1: Food

Pittsburgh: An influx of Eastern European immigrants in the early 20th century brought delicious multicultural dishes to this fair city, including cabbage rolls, kielbasa and pierogis. And thanks to the frozen foods section of most major grocery stores, these foods can be found pretty much anywhere. So there’s no need to travel all the way to Pittsburgh to experience some unique…HOLY SHIT THEY PUT FRENCH FRIES ON SANDWICHES.

That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Why don’t we all do that (aside from the desire to live past the age of 40 and very real concerns over dislocating your jaw)? Here I am, eating my fries on the side like a chump.

The only way Green Bay could top that is if they made some amazing food that makes everything better, like bacon or…

Green Bay: Cheese. The miracle ingredient that transforms chips into nachos, eggs into omelets and broccoli into something that children can be tricked into eating. The way I feel about the cheese makers of Wisconsin is, to a lesser extent, the same way I feel about firefighters or Navy SEALS. I don’t want to do it, but I’m eternally grateful for the people that do. And while the Green Bay dairy industry’s sacrifices (living in Wisconsin and smelling like cheese) may not be as noble as firefighters, I would rather die in a fiery inferno than live a life without cheddar.

WINNER: GREEN BAY

Round 2: Accents

Pittsburgh:

My God I love this accent. It’s such an odd blend of every weird pronunciation you hear on the east coast. And as an east coaster who grew up believing that I did not have an accent, and then moved to the west coast where I soon realized people were impersonating me, I relate to this video. Although, I can’t possibly relate to the ridiculous way they say “Picksburgh.” We would never sound so stupid in Balmore.

Green Bay:

http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/flash/fmpv3/RooftopPlayerEmbedded.swf

This guy makes a pretty good point. The Wisconsin accent, while lovable, is not sexy. And while I do enjoy it in its own way, it will simply never compare to the joy of hearing someone from Pittsburgh talk, at great length, about Woorshington DC.

WINNER: PITTSBURGH

Round 3: Industry

Pittsburgh: With an economy so heavily based on steel that its football team is named for the people who worked with it, the 70s and 80s were a rough time for Pittsburgh. Across the nation, the steel industry collapsed, and the number of steelworkers in Pittsburgh plummeted from 90,000 in 1976 to 44,000 in 1980. The city struggled for a while, but it’s coming back strong as healthcare, education and technology thrive there. The University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, the largest employer in Pittsburgh, is consistently ranked as one of the best hospitals in the country. In fact, that’s where Jonas Salk developed his polio vaccine in 1947.

Every time you don’t get polio, thank Pittsburgh.

And since many of the cities that thrived in the last few decades got knocked off their golden pedestals that they bought on credit but got really good deals on so it’s totally cool and they’ll definitely be able to afford them, Pittsburgh has had the chance to catch back up economically.

Green Bay: One in every five jobs in Green Bay is in manufacturing, and of those, many are in the paper industry. Specifically, the toilet paper industry. Green Bay is considered the “toilet paper capital of the world,” in no small part because, in 1935, the Green Bay company Quilted Northern released the first splinter-free toilet paper.

Every time you use the restroom without weeping, thank Green Bay.

I know medical innovation is important and all, but just look how happy the people on that ad are now that their bath tissue isn’t maiming them. I rest my case.

WINNER: GREEN BAY

OVERALL WINNER: GREEN BAY, 2-1

So there you have it, the totally impartial, heavily researched* analysis of these two American cities reveals a clear winner (that has nothing to do with how annoying my Steelers-loving friends are on Facebook and how much I’d love to see them taken down a peg). Congratulations, Green Bay, you win the respect of my parents Hamsterdam’s many readers. Good luck on Sunday, but you’re already winners to us!

* Source:

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