Jersey Shore Power Rankings – Week 5

Last week’s episode had everything you could ask for. Sex! Violence! Margaritas! Home Improvement! For a quick recap, JWOWW and Snooki tried to change a lock, Ryder came to visit, we learned that Ronnie apparently hates pizza, and Vinny got snaked by his girl’s uncle. Oh, and Sammi punched Ron in the face and Deena may or may not have licked Fake Ronnie’s butt (I threw up a little as I typed that.) Clearly though, this episode was about the near destruction of SamRon. There was a lot going on so, this week we’ll break down the episode using a time-tested Hamsterdam favorite: Blurry screen-caps and witty captions!

The episode opens with JWOWW and Snooki trying to change the locks at JWOWW’s house in Long Island. Meanwhile, Ryder has come to Seaside to celebrate her 22nd birthday, but her BFF and baby-talk translator, Snooki, isn’t there to keep her company.

JWOWW is not very handy when it comes to tools. Er, wait a second…


Deena keeps Ryder company the best way she knows how – doing shots at a crappy boardwalk bar in the middle of the day while a child watches!

JWOWW and Snooki finally return with the dogs. PETA later files a complaint after Snooki tries to spray-tan them.

The crew goes out to celebrate Ryder’s birthday. Good times, right?

Ronnie starts to have fun, which obviously leads to…

Uh oh.

Don’t worry Sam, that’s just my friend’s baby momma and I can prove it. Look, the baby’s sitting right there drinking Heineken from a sippy cup!

It seemed as if all was well. They all headed back home, picked up some pizza, and did normal things that adults do.


Sharing is caring, as The Situation has taught us.

Sam is still upset at Ron. No idea why, maybe it has something to do with him making out with randoms on national television. She gets mad, he gets defensive and she storms off.

That’ll show him! You go girl!

Ronnie expresses his rage in the most primal form – redecorating!

Vinny: “If Ronnie’s giggling, game over.”

Ron is not happy with the offering. Too many carbs, not enough protein maybe?

The Situation breaks it down nice and simple.


That was a little harsh. Shit just got real. Let’s take this time to pause and thank our sponsors. This edition of The Jersey Shore Power Rankings is brought to you by…

The Grenade Whistle…

…That shit works!

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Ron is furious with Sam and fed up with all the abuse and accusations…

I wrote that poorly(awesomely) worded anonymous note exposing you to your girlfriend because I care about YOU.

The Situation just happens to innocently let it slip that Sammi’s boyfriend is being consoled by her arch-enemy. This definitely has nothing to do with the fact that Situation is still mad that Sammi chose Ronnie over him.

Sammi deals with the situation like the mature woman she is.

Quick birthday break…

Sam wants to go home. Aww, too bad, she will be sorely missed.

The roommates try to convince Sammi to stay, for some reason.

Discussing hair-styling tips.

Sammi comes to her senses(sobers up) and apologizes as Pauly and Snooki just happen to be looking out the doorway.

Ronnie accepts her apology. Idiot.

The gang finally hits the hay after a long night of partying, punching, and pizza. The next day, the boys head out to the barber shop and pick up an interesting tidbit about Deena and a certain sexual act that is really gross. Later that day…

Eww. Shockingly, she denies it.

Girl talk on the ab machine. Totally normal.

JWOWW is mildly amused.

Later that night at the club, Deena runs into Dean, aka Fake Ronnie…


JWOWW sees the opportunity to mend things with Sammi

Now this is a friendship that will stand the test of time.

As far as the rankings are concerned, I’ve decided to leave the rankings basically the same as last week(minus the special guests), with one notable exception.

8. Sammi

7. Ronnie

6. The Situation

5. Snooki

4. Deena

3/2(tie). Pauly D and Vinnie


In a move that I’m sure will be met with a lot of criticism, I’m giving the top spot to my girl JWOWW. The reasoning is simple – she is the only one who didn’t try to convince Sammi to stay. She stuck to her guns, laid it all out to Ronnie, and told him what she thought. And that, in my book, gets you the #1 ranking.

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