Jersey Shore Power Rankings – Week 6

Here at Hamsterdam, we make it clearly obvious that we love Jersey Shore. We think it’s awesome in every way. Until now our only complaint has been about the annoying Ronnie/Sammi thing. Now, there’s a new issue – too much ass. A couple weeks ago it was Snooki talking about how she poops when she’s nervous. Last week it was talk of Deena possibly licking Fake Ronnie’s butt. Now we’re treated to Ronnie bleeding out of his ass and getting his “area checked.” It was kind of funny when it was Snooki because she’s barely human, but this is two weeks in a row where prominent story lines have been based on men’s anuses. It leaves us longing for the simpler times of Jersey Shore. You know, like boardwalk brawls, three-way make out sessions, and genital piercings. I don’t know, maybe we’re just old-fashioned.

Since we received overwhelming positive feedback (one comment) about all the pictures, so we’ll keep with that theme this week!

This episode picks up where we left off. Sammi’s right cross to Ronnie’s jaw has brought the group closer, and all is well. Let’s allow Ronnie to narrate the first bit of the action:

“Everyone’s having a good time…


…everyone’s getting along in the house…

…but, once again…


…one step forward, two step backs.”

I really thought those two crazy kids were gonna make it. Meanwhile, the rest of the guys are off doing what you’re supposed to do at clubs, which try to pick up girls. Each member of MVP uses a different technique.

Vinny is a charming gentleman…

…Pauly loves to dance…


…and The Situation uses custom pajamas…


…or brute force, whatever works.

Ronnie might have had a little too much to drink at the club.

This is actually perfect drunk English. You can look it up.

That looks amazingly comfortable.

This, not so much.

We’ve puked a lot of places, but never into a shopping bag.

From the look of Mike’s friend, he won’t be the only one for long.

The next morning, Ron is having some trouble and needs to go to the doctor. 

We know Sam is a pain in the ass, but that’s ridiculous! ZING!

Ron, this is how we feel every time you and Sam are on screen.

Who the fuck is that other person in the room? If someone’s rooting around down there, we’d like there to be as few people present as possible.

Having recovered, the group gets ready to go out for another big night on the town. This time, it’s the girls who are on the prowl.

Good God I hope so.


Deena playing coy.

Reason #735,980 we don’t want to kiss Deena.

Eww.

So Deena and Snooki, you’re both 4’9”, orange, and Da Vinci would have trouble drawing something as perfectly round as you two. How do you manage to pick up guys?


Two different approaches, the same result.

Oooooooooooooooooooooookay.

The next day, Snooki takes her man to the boardwalk.

Here, Snooki explains that the ocean is salty because of all the whale sperm. Science.

You taste salty.

After I long night of partying, the girls head out to the sex store to pick up some outfits before Sunday dinner. It’s the Lord’s day, after all.

What is the concept behind the “Sexy Baseball Player” outfit? No one we’ve known has ever been turned on by pine tar, protective cups, and tobacco juice. Don Mossi was sexy as hell though.

No hats at the table please, Snooks. Damn, where have our manners gone?

For some reason, the girls had to go to work at the t-shirt shop even though they could buy and sell it.


“I don’t like work because I don’t like working.” Well said.

Ron and Sam fight about something and blah blah blah…

“Should we just break up?” Could you die right after? That would be better.

Another night out at Karma.

Hot.


“Face down ass up, that’s the way I like to have fun!”

Pauly runs into Danielle the Stalker. He hatches a brilliant plan to get her back to the house and then humiliate her using witty and hilarious puns.

It really was that funny.

“What did Jack climb up? The bean _____?” Get it?

Meanwhile, Sam and Ron are fighting again but it looks like it might stick this time.

So are we.

RANKINGS!!!!!

8. Sammi

7. Ronnie

6. The Situation – He really needs to start actually doing things.

5. Deena – Solidified herself as a consistent contributor.

4. Snooki

3. Vinny

2. JWOWW

1. Pauly D – Probably his best week ever. The answering machine was inspired and brilliant.

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