Let’s fix this whole Egypt thing

Unless you’ve been living under a rock as part of Geico’s seventh different advertising campaign, you’ve probably heard that there’s some shit going down in Egypt. Massively important shit, in fact; Egypt, the media tells us, is the heart of the Arab world, and the tumult there could lead to changes across the chronically unstable Middle East. I fear, however, that with the fickleness of the American news cycle, these important events will fall off front pages as soon as Lindsay Lohan gets arrested again or Mel Gibson encounters a Jewish person.

But fear not! I’ve figured out a way to sustain America’s interest in one of the most important human events of the past decade: let’s give this thing some star power, baby! Sure, we’ve heard names like Omar Suleiman and Mohammad ElBaradei bandied about as potential replacements for Hosni Mubarak, but those guys aren’t moving the meter for Joe Six-Pack. Get some big names involved, though, and this thing is sure to stay on the front pages long after Lindsay gets out of rehab (again). I’ve performed an exhaustive search for candidates to replace Mubarak, judging them on both their qualifications to run Egypt and (much more importantly) their ability to keep Americans interested in this ongoing saga.

Just like this, except with limbs falling off and a hunger for brains.

Zombie Cleopatra
Pros: Has experience ruling Egypt (granted, 2,000 years ago, but still). Her election would kill at least two birds with one stone: first female head of a modern, majority-Muslim state, and first zombie head of any state. Being as men haven’t changed much in the past 2,000 years (if beer commercials have taught us anything, it’s that), her legendary powers of seduction could prove useful in foreign relations.
Cons: I’m not sure how well the whole legendary seductress thing would go over in a country where 95% of the population adheres to a religion whose fundamentalists consider any female who exposes an ankle to be a bigger whore than Charlie Sheen. Also, the whole undead thing.

Possible political platform: She could try to sell Egyptians on a return to the glory days, or the novelty of a zombie ruler. Then again, that might not be so novel. I mean, have you seen Mubarak?

Your grandma thought he was dreamy.

Omar Sharif

Pros: This matinee idol of the 1960s, known for his roles in such classics as Lawrence of Arabia, Doctor Zhivago, and 10,000 B.C., was the first Arab your grandparents ever saw (and is probably still the only one who doesn’t frighten them). According to Wikipedia, he once said in an interview that Americans are ignorant, which should boost his street cred. Also, unlike everyone else on this list, he’s actually Egyptian (and real).

Cons: Most of the philistines in the 18-3(whatever) demographic probably think Omar Sharif is a Wu-Tang affiliate rapper. Also, he’s 78 years old, which means we could have to go through all of this upheaval again in a few years. There’s a silver lining to that, however: by that time Justin Bieber might be old enough to take power.

Possible political platform: Will use his Hollywood connections to ensure that Nicolas Cage is not allowed to film his next ludicrous historicalish fantasy movie in Egypt. 

Pros: His rags to riches story will resonate in a fledgling democracy, providing proof that anyone can make it in the new Egypt. Along those same lines, “A Whole New World” will make a bitchin’ campaign song. He’s married to a beautiful princess, he defeated the evil Jafar, he’s friends with a genie and a magic carpet, and to top it all off, he owns a fez-wearing monkey.

Cons: The whole conferring with genies thing could be considered apostasy, which tends not to go over too well in Muslim-majority countries. A succession of direct-to-video sequels suggests that, just like Mubarak, he might not relinquish his grip on power without a struggle. 

Possible political platform: Magic carpets for some, miniature Egyptian flags for others!

He’ll kick your ass, then call you a fag on Twitter.

 The Iron Sheik

Pros: The former amateur and professional wrestler could kick any of his competitors’ asses in a fair (no genies, no super-zombie powers) fight. He has public speaking experience from his days in the WWE, and he’s not afraid to take controversial, anti-American stances, such as backing Iraq in the first Gulf War. He already has a presence on Twitter, which seems to mostly consist of gay-bashing and lots of profanity.

Cons: He’s Iranian, which would surely make the United States uneasy. But I don’t think we have to worry about the average American whose attention we’re trying to capture knowing the difference. He was also arrested for cocaine use in the late 1980s. But hey, if the United States can have a coke-snorting Muslim as president, why can’t Egypt?

Possible political platform: Just stick with the gay-bashing and the ass-kicking and he’s got a decent shot. Hey, it works for Republicans.

So there we have it, four viable candidates who could ably rule Egypt while ensuring that Americans stay interested. But no matter the outcome of this latest episode, the Middle East will remain a basketcase, and the real reason is a deceptively simple one that all the thinktanks, policy experts, and news analysts have overlooked: nobody eats pork! I’d be pissed off all the time too if had to live a life without bacon, ham, pulled pork, and other delectable porky delights. In the interest of world peace, I call on Judaism and Islam to drop their prohibitions on pork consumption so CNN can get back to focusing on important things like the Verizon iPhone and whether Mark Sanchez hooked up with a high-schooler.

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