You’re driving along, feeling pretty good about yourself. It’s a beautiful day, and you’ve got your NOW That’s What I Call Music! 84 album blasting the latest Ke$ha song (by the way, in this scenario, you are a tool). But as traffic slows, you notice that people around you aren’t in quite as good moods. Glaring, shaking their heads, sneering with disgust – all, it seems, in your direction.
What’s going on?
Who knows, really. They could be having bad days, sick of being in the car, late for something important. But if you have one of the following accessories on your car, then this collective scorn may well be directed at you. And, I’m sorry to say, you deserve it.
Name this movie and you win my undying respect.
5. Decals/custom paint jobs
The Ed Hardy Smart Car: For the douchebag who has everything
If you have gone so far as to get flames, or stars, or an Ed Hardy design painted on your car, then I’m sure I’m not the first person to tell you that you are the worst. And if I am the first, then I hate to say it, but your friends are the worst, too. You need to repaint your car and get better friends.
4. Underbody lights
Oh my God, it’s a UFO! Wait, no, it’s just a crappy car with some lights under it. My mistake.
I’m not totally clear on why this is a thing, but I’ve said the same thing about the other two phenomena to gain popularity after they appeared in Fast and the Furious, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. I actually went so far as to search in car forums for why people do this, and the only answer I could find to the question “Why?” was “Because it looks mad hot.” So that at least explains why people glare at you. Because they assume you are just like that guy.
3. Truck nuts
Hmm…the metaphor is still a little unclear…
I don’t understand how we live in a world where two gay men holding a baby gets a family shield “to protect the children,” but it’s cool for those same children to see a silver scrotum hanging from a passing vehicle. Florida is the only state to even attempt a ban on this accessory, but the legislation only succeeded in creating a lot of “America’s wang bans nuts” jokes and eventually the effort died out.
I just hope that people come to their senses before they take this metaphor to its logical conclusion:
2. Lift kits
“Whoa, that guy must be really well-endowed.” – Everyone, in this driver’s imagination
Let’s get one thing straight about lift kits. I do not understand them. So if there’s a perfectly logical reason for someone to drive a car at the same height as a bus or low-flying aircraft, then I apologize. But from my close-to-the-ground perspective, you look like a jerk. A jerk who is hard to see around.
1. Bumper stickers
Look, guy, if the Rapture happens I’ve got a lot more to worry about than a few unmanned minivans. I’ve signed up to watch dozens of your pets.
I hate bumper stickers. I don’t care what they say, what they support, or whether I am in total agreement on the subject. You could be driving around with a bumper sticker that says, “I enjoy pizza and the movies of Bill Murray” and I would still think you are a jag.
I’ve been thinking long and hard about why I have such a visceral negative reaction to them in the 20 minutes that I’ve been writing this blog post, and I think I’ve finally figured it out.
There are almost seven billion people in the world. I have meaningful relationships with, let’s say, 50 of them. That means that I care about the opinions, values and perceptions of .000000737% of the global population. So not only do I not care about what the driver of the Toyota Corolla in front of me feels about the stimulus plan, it bothers me that he even wants to tell me.
I will not be swayed by your pithy pro-gun sentiments, no matter how bulletproof the logic of “If guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?” is. I also do not need to know that you are the proud owner of an Irish Setter that you believe to be smarter than my honor student. All I need to know is why you’ve been going 40 in the left lane with your right blinker on for 15 miles. So if you had a bumper sticker that says, “I am a bad driver” or “I’m not paying any attention” then I would still hate you, but at least the information would be accurate and relevant.