Welcome back to the Jersey Shore Power Rankings. After a two week absence, we’re offering up a double dip to make it up to you. Last week’s episode again featured a lot of poo-talk, which we’ve been over before. We’ve also now entered the post-Sammi era, right? Wrong. Fuck. Sammi apparently has better staying power than Brett Favre and Jason Vorhees combined. So let’s jump right in and get down to business.
The episode opens with The Situation consoling a distraught Ronnie and discussing how awesome he is. You know, for a change.
“Life goes on…if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be…life’s not cookie cutter…I’d rather die standing than live on my knees.” Wow, Mike. That’s deep.
“Some days I’m Uncle Situation, other days I’m Doctor Situation or Chef Situation, Bang-your-girl Situation. I mean, you know, I’m a, just uh, uhhh, a pretty deep dude.” Some big talk here from Situation. We’ll see how this turns out later.
“Listening to Mike about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor about flying a plane.” or….. getting workout tips from Snooki or taking an etiquette class taught by JWOWW or getting relationship counseling from Sammi.
Meanwhile, Sammi is back home with her parents.
“I feel like I’ve been abused.” I find this line from Sammi interesting, considering she PUNCHED HER BOYFRIEND IN THE FACE.
Back at the house, the Meatballs decide to cheer up the house with a little prank.
Meatballs 1, Bromance 0
The boys decide to hide the poop from JWOWW’s dogs under Deena’s pillow.
Considering what we’ve learned about Denna’s sexual proclivities, this might not be the best way to get back at her.
Good times were had by all.
Ronnie is sad about what he’s done to Sam.
So he talks it over with the Duck Phone!
For some reason, Jenni and Deena decide to clean out Sammi’s room soooo, something happens? To distract him, the boys take Ron to get a haircut and talk over cleverly constructed metaphors.
How are these people so amazingly messy?
“There’s classes of grenades. It goes grenade, grenade launcher, and then submarine. After the submarine is the tank, and after the tank is the A-Bomb.”
I don’t understand this whole sequence. When the boys come back, JWOWW makes a joke about cleaning a ton and that they should keep it that way. Ronnie assumes that either Sam came and cleaned her room out or someone is screwing with him. JWOWW and Deena act as if they didn’t do anything. They could have just said they cleaned her room out and there wouldn’t have been a problem.
The gang heads out to Karma for some fun.
Deena has to poop (third poop reference in this post, fourth in the episode.)
Bang-your-girl Situation tries to bang Pauly’s ex.
This picture is completely unrelated and is more of a public service announcement. Kids, listen up. This is what cocaine looks like.
Saddest picture ever taken.
Snooki finds love?
Deena breaks all stereotypes of drunk girls by keeping it together and not being irrationally sad.
Back at the house, Snooki seems to have found her soul mate. Now she just needs to remember his name.
Believe it or not, Snooki and “Bernard” are still together.
Chef Situation interrupts Vinny getting it in and demands he eats the burger he made for him. This is totally normal and not desperate, sad, or weird in any way.
God, I really hope she’s talking about the burger.
On to the rankings! And also pictures, most of which are when they saw the gross panties that Pauly found in the bathroom.
It appears that the only thing worse than relationship Ronnie is sad, single, regretful Ronnie.
Really wasn’t doing it for me this week.
More action than usual this week.
A few more uneventful weeks like this and she could really drop. Still fantastic when drunk.
Sadly, Vin kind of came off pretty stupid this week. Still great though.
2. The Situation
Somewhat of a return to form for Mike. Massive overconfidence plus glaring shortcomings equals hilarious.
Still the one.