The Hamsterdam Guide to Government Auctions

I’m not sure about you, readers, but I’ve been leery about the recovery of the American economnomnomy. Yes, the Dow Jones has crept back up, but it still seems like we’re a long way from making it rain on other countries again. Homes sales are down throughout the country, federal, state, and local governments are running huge deficits, and Britney‘s still probably a good two years away from once again dominating the pop charts. Truly a gloomy period in American history.

Angry about the economy? Call your congressman and tell them it’s Britney, bitch.

But just because times are rough doesn’t mean you can’t make that dollar go father. A good way to do this is to live with your parents and suckle on their steady income teet until you’re, say, 41. Another, slightly cooler way is to check out a government auction.

Now, you probably have a healthy skepticism of the federal government. That’s understandable. But there are some reasons to take at least a quick gander at Uncle Sam’s yardsale.

1. You can own land.

Nervous about the transmitter building? Move to the easily flammable storage shed.

For just $4500, you can put down a bid deposit and maybe pick up a few acres of brushland in Missoula, Montana. Even in tough times, no major metropolitan area ever has this type of deal. Worried about being stuck out in the middle of Montana? Well it’s right next to an airport, so you can hop over to Idaho or South Dakota as needed. For those who share a studio in NYC, believe me, there’s a lot you can do with that type of real estate. Land is one of the few resources which always often occasionally goes up in value, so grab your friends from Flip This House, knock down a few walls, and see if you can make this eyesore into your eyesore.

2.You can buy in bulk.

Perfect for those office chair races you always wanted to have.

When the government wants to get rid of crap for all of $25, chances are they want to get rid of a lot of it. In fact, if you come across a listing for a singular piece of furniture, it should be reported to the proper authorities. Big Daddy Gov is the Costco of…well, governments. Don’t second guess yourself when it comes to your new found purchasing power – you need 19 chairs, or 32 desks, or 57 lamps. Think not? Well I’ll be the first to tell you, the idea of starting your own comedy club with only 18 seats is laughable at best. Good luck getting through a stand-up routine when everyone is laughing.

3. Opulence…you has it.

You’re only 6 passengers short of a memorable 1960s TV series.

See that boat up there? The one that looks baller as shit? For $2600, it’s yours. Okay, from a practicality standpoint, it doesn’t do you much good. Your seafaring experience is limited to the Maid of the Mist…during Pam & Jim’s Wedding. Hell, you don’t own a truck to hitch it to, let alone a garage. Just keep it in storage down south. Cause I know I’d love to chat up a young Ms. Thang at a party and drop the “Oh, yea, my boat is actually down in Florida…” line. After picking up this vessel, you might as well change your middle name to LadysLuv. Or at the very least, Boatdroppa.

4. I will fear you.

You see the picture above? Apparently that’s an animal cage. I have no clue what type of animal would require such unwieldy and unforgiving cell, but it probably would consider me a light lunch. Honestly you could put a few cicadas in there and I’d shit a brick. I can’t help but nightmare up creepy scenarios where a few FBI officials decide to confiscate an operating table ($34) used for sadistic operations. As far as I’m concerned, all of this stuff is more or less cursed. It probably contained a human body at one point. But damn, what a steal!

5. You Will Become a Mega Man Stage Boss

Seems cool, until somebody whips out a Super Arm on your ass. Then what?

Okay, now that we’re officially lost all of our female readership, let’s talk some serious talk. Ever since you were about 8, you’ve wanted a boss power-up. Well, you’re in luck. Government auctions sell magnets, drills, metal blades, leaf cutters, icemakers, wheels, and above all, junk. Basically, the only thing holding you back from your dreams is how fast you can throw any of it at a small guy dressed in blue.

Congrats! Now you own your own land, a set of small shacks, furniture, a boat, an animal cage, and about 50 pairs of scissors, all for less than $7500. Thanks to government auctions, you’ve officially made it. Now, get out there and live life to the fullest.

Just don’t expect any visitors.

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