Jersey Shore Power Rankings – The Return

Sorry we’ve been away so long. We’ve been putting in a lot of hours at the Shore Store and our boss has been riding us hard. Apparently bonging beers at work is frowned upon. The season finale is now upon us, so here’s a quick recap of what we missed:

  • The toilet was clogged, seemingly for weeks. Someone tried to flush a “bleep”-tee. I have no idea what that “bleep” is but if anyone knows, please help us out here.
  • Pauly and Vinny went to Vinny’s parents’ house on Staten Island for a huge family dinner. I’m not going to joke about anything here, that looked like a really great time.
  • Ron’s dad came to cheer him up. He also happens to look exactly like new University of Maryland Defensive Coordinator Todd Bradford.

  • Vinny had the audacity to hook up with girls that weren’t Snooki. The nerve of that guy, cheating on Snooki like tha….. oh wait, Snooki definitely isn’t his girlfriend and he had made it very clear that he didn’t want to hook up with her. Also there’s the fact that Snooki hooked up with (now-boyfriend) Gianni two days earlier.
  • There were some pranks going on. Mike sent the two meatballs to Times Square instead of “Jenkinson’s.” It was never really explained what this magical land called “Jenkinson’s” was, which was kind of strange because it was mentioned probably 93 times. Being the Jersey Shore experts that we are, we had to solve that mystery. Through some time-consuming and scholarly research (and the fact that they went there next episode), we discovered that Jenkinson’s Boardwalk is a sort of amusement park and aquarium only about 10 miles north of Seaside Heights. Being only 10 miles away, one would assume that the girls would realize they were being misled sometime before they saw the skyscrapers of Manhattan, but we’ve learned to not assume anything when it comes to our little round friends.
  • Sammi has returned and is back with Ron or isn’t or something? While away, Sammi contacted some guy named “Arvin,” who looks like a cross between Ron and Lou Ferigno, to come meet her at Karma. Arvin showed their texts to The Situation, who told JWOWW, who told everyone else, who then told Ron, who called out Sammi for being so quick to move on to other guys. Sammi, of course, gets mad at The Situation because……we have no idea why.

I enjoyed Sammi’s defense of her attempted meet-up with Arvin. First, she flat out denied it. Then, she claimed she did nothing wrong. Finally, when Ron asks what would happen if the situations were reversed and a girl had come to see him, Sammi simply responds, “I’d kill her.” There’s almost a magic to the lack of logic going on in her brain. I can just picture Sammi attacking the two random girls Ron made out with in Miami. Anyway, Ron was mad.

Mad Ron

But later in the episode, the two work it out, and I really don’t care why. SamRon version 29.0.1 or whatever is unleashed on the public.

Please God no

ew.

Now back to entertaining television. Having returned from the bar, the girls are hanging out, having a little drunken fun.

Mike takes the opportunity to insult Deena. “It just so happens that Deena defies the Law of Intelligence.” You know, because that’s a thing.

The next day, Vinny and Snooki go out for something to eat.

Vinny talks about how he liked the girl he hooked up with the night before. Snooki gets upset because she’s developed feelings for him. Vinny explains for the millionth time that Snooki is like a sister to him, and that they have a different kind of relationship. Vinny then says to the camera that he could someday see a relationship happening. This is a terrible idea. Not only could Vinny do a lot better (and he has) this will only lead Snooki on and make things worse.

Love

Pauly and Ron are giving Vinny crap about not having his ears pierced, which is a totally normal thing for men to hassle their friends about. Vinny decides to go for it, and after a little worrying, he manages to go through with the major procedure that is performed on 7-year-old girls at mall kiosks across America. To be honest, there were a few times where I thought he might not pull through.

"My boy is becoming a man."

The gang heads out to the club, and there’s good news! Our favorite glutton for punishment, Danielle the Stalker, is back!

Last time ended so well!

A totally non-insane thing to say

Pauly manages to avoid Danielle and escapes with his life intact. For now…

Things clearly weren’t going well at Aztec. The boys decide to take what they can and get out, so they head back to the house with their “sub-par” girls. Pauly and Vinny are having a great time, and so are their lady friends. Pauly isn’t feeling his girl for some reason, but Vinny is happy. But suddenly one of the girls’ brother shows up to see who needs a ride (or something? not sure). So Vinny devises a genius plan to get rid of his girl without Vinny losing his.

"He's gonna give her a ride tonight...

...and her a ride tomorrow"

Pauly's girl is not happy

Vinny and Snooki then get in a fight because she doesn’t want him trying to snuggle with her when he’s drunk, even though she does the exact same thing to him. She’s even begged him to have sex with her.

"I'm not anybody's last resort. I'm someone's first priority."

Vinny is pretty drunk and seems to be pissing off everyone except Pauly and Ron. A massively lame rap battle between Sammi and Vinny follows, which leads to the obvious conclusion of Sammi taking things too seriously and getting her feelings hurt.

Pauly, Jenni, and Mike go to work the next day, and it’s thankfully the last day of their pointless job at the Shore Store, which the show has basically turned into a television studio. Mike takes the opportunity to catch up on some z’s.

FIRED

Mike gets “fired” from the Shore Store. Hopefully he’ll be able to make ends meet. Maybe he’ll have to cut back on hair gel.

Completely out of the blue, Ronnie’s mom, Connie (AWESOME), calls the house completely wasted and drops some knowledge.

"I'm tan." "What?" "I. AM. TAN."

She talks to Deena and then JWOWW, who makes the incredibly entertaining decision to put The Situation on the phone.

"There is no spin move to get out of this one."

Um, how about you say goodbye to your friend’s intoxicated mother and hang up? Maybe he was outwitted by drunk Connie,  but Mike makes spills all of the SamRon drama. Needless to say, Ron was quite upset with his mom, and Sam was upset with Mike. Later, everyone except Sam gathers on the patio for a meeting of the (very small) minds.

Combined IQ: 415

They exchange lines and arguments such as: “What did BBM say?,” “They already neutraled that,” and “I wouldn’t touch those Jell-O shots with your ****.”

Sam comes out and denies things and yells at Mike for a while, which leads to Mike calling Arvin directly to clear things up. Ron gets on the phone and Arvin reveals that he has hooked up with Sam in the past. The episode ends with both Sam and Ron stating “I’m done.” Well I guess their relationship is over because there’s no coming back from that, RIGHT?

We’re well over 1200 words now (thanks wordpress!) so we’ll give a quick rundown of the rankings.

8. Sammi – Basically lied her way through the entire episode.

7. Ronnie – Basically told the truth the entire episode, but made the stupid mistake of getting back with Sam, however brief.

6. Snooki – Her arguments with Vinny were stupid and hypocritical.

5. Deena – Moderate comedy makes up for a total lack of substance.

4. JWOWW – She did pretty much nothing all episode. She’s being wasted by the producer, which is funny because she’s at her best when she’s wasted. Get it?

3. Vinny – Drunk and annoying is not a good look for our friend Vin.

2. The Situation – Good work stirring the pot this week, and he was in the right about the Sammi/Arvin thing.

1. DJ Pauly D – Just too funny and clever too keep him out of the top spot.

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4 Responses to Jersey Shore Power Rankings – The Return

  1. Ron Donald says:

    I love this blog. I can catch up without having to commit to this show 100%. Like them I will only use about 3% of my brain on Jersey Shore.

  2. jess says:

    great recap, as usual, but i think you’re being particularly harsh on snooki in this one. yeah, she is hypocritical about hooking up when drunk etc., but i think they’d be cute in a relationship eventually. and snooki is good enough for him—despite having the physique of a medicine ball 🙂

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