The Modern Man’s Guide to Dating – Inferred from Pop Music

Supposedly the greatest question in the universe, according to Freud, is what women want. I don’t know if that’s true, I learned it from a Mel Gibson movie and I think we can all agree that’s one person who definitely doesn’t know what women want (hint: we do not want you to scream our to-do list at us, and we do not want that list to include blowing you and then apologizing).

Personally, I don’t think it’s so hard to determine what women are looking for in men. Because we tell you. All the time. There are books, magazines, websites, movies. I’m surprised there’s any mystery left, frankly. But nowhere is it easier to learn exactly what different types of women want than in pop songs.

Both women and men are remarkably candid in pop music. Graphic even, to the point where it gets increasingly uncomfortable to see teenagers singing along to the lyrics at Forever 21 the normal grown-up clothing stores where I shop. So if you’re looking to find out what the sporty British girl with the diverse friends wants in a man, look no further than your radio CD collection Zune iPhone.

So let’s see what music can teach us about five very specific types of women. 

The Type: The Bad Girl

Prototype: Ke$ha


Likes: Partying, drinking, public urination. Dislikes: Sunlight, talk radio, clothes that were not found in the garbage.

About her: Doesn’t give a shit about anything, especially hygiene. Looks like she might be sticky to touch. Is either drunk or hungover at this moment and really wants you to know it. Has a voice that makes everyone want to kill themselves.

What she says: Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer. Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here. And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger. But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.

What this means for you:  If you’re an incredibly skinny, eighty year-old British man, today’s your lucky day. You, sir, are in. And also, thanks for reading this blog, it’s nice to see our demographic expanding.

But if you don’t fit this girl’s weirdly specific criteria, don’t despair. There’s actually a decent chance that she’s too young to know who Mick Jagger is and only needed a rhyme for “swagger.” So you may still have a chance. I would suggest breaking the ice by buying her six to ten shots of rail whiskey.

TheType: The Sexy Guy’s Girl

Prototype: Fergie


Likes: Rapping, Taco Bell, mentioning her sexual prowess. Dislikes: Carrying a tune, tabloids, being considered promiscuous.

About her: Sexy, sporty and surrounded by a tight-knit group of guy friends. Loves working out, dancing and spelling out words to make a point. May have bladder control issues.

What she says: If you really want me, honey, get some patience. Maybe then you’ll get a taste of my tasty, tasty. I’ll be laced with lacy. It’s so tasty, tasty. It’ll make you crazy.

What this means for you: O.K., so there are some mixed messages in this song, but to be fair, meth may have eaten parts of her brain. What she’s saying here is that she’s definitely not going to have sex with you, unless you wait and then she might have sex with you.

Your best bet here is to be totally uninterested in any of it. Hang out with her in group situations, ask her about her friends, and give her the impression that you consider her to be your nice, unattractive sister. Eventually her desire to prove that she’s good in bed will override her desire to prove that she’s never going to sleep with you.

Type: The Co-Dependent Athletic/Rich/Red-Headed/Young/Assertive Woman

Prototype: Spice Girls


Likes: Britain, girl power, group hugs. Dislikes: Jerks, turtlenecks, solo careers.

About her: Got such a close group of friends, it’s hard to get her on her own. From their self-appointed nicknames the group seems like they’d be totally different, but they all like and do the same things.

What she says: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever friendship never ends. If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give. Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.

What this means for you: How do you feel about a group dating situation? Do you like this girl enough to spend just as much time with her scary friend, her red-headed friend and her friend the…baby? Because that’s what you’re in for. Eventually you may be able to break one off from the herd, but it’ll take time, and in the mean time you’re going to have to spend a lot of time listening to British conversations about football and gov’nas. My advice on this one is to pass and wait for the red head to attempt a solo dating career.

Type: The Good Girl

Prototype: Britney Spears


Likes: Nature, sunshine, cute animals. Dislikes: Mean people, rainy days, speculation that she might not be a virgin.

About her: Sweet, naïve, southern belle. Believes in true love, romance and baring her midriff. Likes dancing and staying in shape. Tends to make the same mistake twice.

What she says: I wanna believe in everything you say ’cause it sounds so good. But if you really want me, move slow. There’s things about me you just have to know. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I’m scared of you. But all I really want is to hold you tight. Treat you right, be with you day and night. Baby all I need is time.

What this means for you: This is a young woman who is looking to be taken seriously. She’s nervous about getting involved with someone and wants to be sure that things move slowly. She’s saying that straight out (she’s not terribly subtle or into metaphors), so just do what she asks.

Type: Jaded Divorcee

Prototype: Britney Spears

Likes: Smoking, Starbucks, auto-tune. Dislikes: Court orders, cardio, hair.

About her: A divorced mother of two who doesn’t mess around. She’s got some issues, but she’s working through them and is looking for a man who doesn’t get freaked out the minute she shaves her head.

What she says: I notice that you got it. You notice that I want it. You know that I can take it to the next level, baby. If you want this good bitch, sicker than the remix, baby let me blow your mind tonight.

What this means for you: You’re in. You have to do literally nothing, she lays down no stipulations or criteria. You don’t even have to look like Mick Jagger.

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