“Um…who are you again?” – Greg, best friend from Mrs. Robin’s 5th grade class.
If I know you, or someone that I can pretend is you, you hated school. Middle school, high school, college – you found each worthless, given that you maxed out on intelligence in 5th grade. It’s why you read this blog.
But one of the hidden benefits of your public school education was that group of fun-buddies you used to hang out with, affectionately known as your friends. You assholes had a lot in common, and years after you finished skipping class together, you can still spend hours talking, reminiscing about that time you skipped class.
Unfortunately, it’s impossible to rekindle this type of close-proximity magic in the workplace without getting pulled into HR for questionable behavior. Move to a new city, or start a new job, and you’re forced to put those old friendships on the backburner while you pop a few new ones in the oven. Lucky for you (YET AGAIN), Hamsterdam is here to provide the sound, fatherly advice you desperately need. Read on and discover how you can make friends, despite being 20-something and in a big, bad city.
Be the weed guy Be the alcohol guy Be THE guy.
When you’re in high school, people gravitate to you if you can score alcohol. In college you have to up your game, you know, to illegal activities. Luckily, once you’re in your mid 20s, everyone can buy beer, and no one is fun enough to hit the kush. You can be known as THE guy without having to alter a person’s state of mind – you can get away with it based solely on more substantial things, like looks, or humor, or a small fortune. THE guy has charisma out the wazoo, despite a non-elven character class. If you can convince people you are THE guy, the next few years of your life may not only be friend-filled, but somewhat enjoyable. If that isn’t in the cards, well, just settle for being a guy. Just hope you have money once you hit 30.
2. Get an E-life.
Internet: the great E-qualizer. With just a few deceiving camera shots and a witty caption, you too can go Tom Cochrane on the Information Superhighway. Friends can be quite plentiful in this modus operandi , and many of them will hail from Nigeria if you are lucky. The bad news is, they will never fully appreciate how ugly you are on the outside. Also, never try to meet these people in real life. Chances are that if they’re not Nigerian, they’re much more boring than you’ve built them up to be.
3. Go to Grad School.
Have $2k and a ton of loans you want to take on? Then grad school is the perfect place for you! Once you arrive on Campus 2.0, you’ll quickly make friends with other grad students. The basis of your friendship will be your new-found disgust for undergraduate students that don’t realize how hard you work. How can they drink on a Saturday afternoon? What idiots! For better or for worse, grad school creates a very tight bond between you and your fellow classmates, which will only be strengthened later on as you fill out unemployment forms together.
Instead of blowing your soft-boiled earned cash on more school, you can choose to blow it on extended travel. This could be anything ranging from a few weeks in Indonesia to Seven Years in Tibet. If you don’t come back broke and claiming that your “perspective on life” has been completely altered, you’re doing it wrong. Friends are very easy to come by when you’re traveling – the reason they’re out there is because they like the same things you do, stupid! Trouble is, you will never see them again. They don’t exist as you know them outside of vacation/travel world. Dave is a cool guy and all, but face it: you’re not going to be hanging out with him outside of the small town in Ecuador. You’d probably hate him back in the US of A. Accordingly, make sure to skim a few drinks off of him before saying goodbye – it may be your only chance.
5. Develop Multiple Personality Disorder.
This is by far the cheapest option out there. Wikipedia, knower of all things, says insufficient childhood nurturing is a good first step towards this. Go talk with mom and ask if she hugged you as a toddler; if so, ask her to scream at you a few hours a day until you notice the onset. Important: make sure you are accepting of your new-founds yous. Think Big Love. If you’re not accommodating enough, your additional personalities may up and leave you.
Any success? Well, don’t worry, give it a few weeks. You’ll be the most popular guy in your place of sleep/worship/recreation/shame very soon. In the meantime, friend Hamsterdam via facebook or prayers to Jesus. That’s one right there.