“Wedding season” is nearly upon us. I don’t know that for certain because I’ve never
had a consensual romantic relationship been engaged, but I’ve surmised it from facebook status updates, wedding invitations received in the mail, and an analysis of the national suicide rate. It seems to me that one of the most stressful parts of planning a wedding has to be deciding on a location. I don’t have any first-hand experience planning a wedding, but I do have an absurd amount of first-hand experience of watching others plan their weddings on television and in movies. So for all of you who are thinking of tying the knot, here are some wedding locations you should strongly consider crossing off your list:
“What?! But the foggy moors! The porridge!” you might say. Sure, England has a lot to offer. But it’s a no-go for weddings for at least the next fifty years. In case you haven’t turned on the TV or talked to a woman in her twenties recently, the future King of England is marrying some chick soon. And this ceremony is going to be for weddings what Prince William was for dreamy royalty: the gold standard against which all future comers will be compared.
The Royal Wedding is going to cost millions of dollars, be broadcast internationally, and will be attended by royalty, foreign heads of state, and Mr. Bean (I’m serious, google it, he’s going to be there). You can’t follow an act like that no matter what you have up your sleeve. Trying to do so will leave your marriage with a shakier foundation than a Japanese nuclear power plant.
In a romantic comedy
You’re a rich, disgustingly good-looking guy who doesn’t appreciate (and possibly cheats on) your beautiful, intelligent, funny, down to earth, has a heart of gold fiancée.
It occurs to you that such a desirable and well-rounded woman might get cold feet when it comes to marrying a one-dimensional caricature like you. So you think that, to throw her a bone, you’ll get married in one of those romantic comedies she loves so much. But this is a huge mistake. First of all, your wedding is going to get interrupted by that loser your fiancée has been spending so much time with and sighing about lately; you know, the guy who is also intelligent, funny, down to earth, has a heart of gold, and has everything she’s always been looking for?
Well, I have bad news for you: they almost got together a while ago but a misunderstanding in the third act is all that drove her back into your arms. And not only is he going to show up at the ceremony, but she’s going to leave with him. You might try pointing out to her that you got your marriage license a few days ago and the ceremony is actually just that, a ceremony, and that just because she stopped short of saying “I do” doesn’t change the fact that you’re now legally married. But, it’s too late. They’re going to run off together and live happily ever after, and you’re stuck with the deposit for the reception and the Foreigner cover band.
In a sitcom
If you’re looking to get married in a sitcom, you probably have a lot more going for you than the romantic comedy guy. People are likely rooting for you and this wedding has probably been a long time coming. But there are still many dangers and pitfalls that can doom you in a sitcom. Obviously there is the whole “wedding will get interrupted and your bride/groom will get stolen away by the one they should’ve been with all along” thing discussed above. Beyond that, there is also the extreme likelihood that you and/or important family members or friends are going to almost not make it. Getting lost, amnesia, skydiving accident, arrested, oversleeping. One or more of these is going to delay you or your wedding party, and who needs that stress? More importantly, though, getting married in a sitcom almost certainly dooms you to unemployment in your immediate future. Almost every sitcom that featured an engagement or wedding was cancelled only a season or two afterwards. Will & Grace, Friends, Boy Meets World, Family Matters, Full House, Saved by the Bell, Wings, The Nanny, Frasier, the list goes on and on. Hey, maybe finding true love is worth losing your job. But in this economy are you willing to take that risk?
On WWE Monday Night RAW
Sitcoms and romantic comedies have a pretty terrible track record when it comes to marriages, but they pale in comparison to the WWE. You can see how it would be appealing: you and your future spouse had your love blossom on one of the longest running soap operas ever, so why not get married there in front of millions watching at home and thousands of
illiterate adoring fans? Well, there’s several reasons why not. Like the possibility of forced marriage to a necrophiliac after he beats up your real fiance…
…or the viagra-induced heart attack…
….or the temptation offered by the Godfather and his Ho Train…
…and, of course, the possibility that Triple H will have drugged your bride-to-be, somehow married her, and (presumably) committed date-consummation on her.
Getting married on a WWE show will only result in a broke heart….and pelvis.