A happy May 18th to our readers! Only 3 days until Harold Camping and true God-fearing Christians are laughing at us all, except for Hamsterdam, which continues to be about as funny as an actual rapture.
We try not to toot our own horn (in public), but Hamsterdam has become rather seer when it comes to trendspotting. We were all over Vasquez before he went super big time for the Grizzlies on May 9th (okay, so they lost the game, and the following series to the Thunder). We laid out a few good tips on what types of men and women to avoid (yet you still hang out with these types). And most importantly, we capitalized heavily on the niche Capri Sun fetish market. All of which we’re super proud of.
While we’d like to use this talent to amass fame, fortune, and power, we’d settle for just two of those. In the meantime, we’re going to go altruistic on that fine ass of yours and bring you the best upcoming Summer trends, so for once you’ll be ahead of the curve.
1. Swimsuits: Now 40% shorter.
We spent a lot of the 90s moving aggressively towards baggier, concealing clothing, including ridiculously long swimsuits. As a young lad without much bulk or self-confidence, I embraced this. Now, as a man with little to offer and minimal shame, I like the idea of less being more. So I’m sounding the horn and grabbing the aloe vera: it’s time to trim another 3-4 inches off those board shorts, or switch to the Square Leg. Those lower thighs aren’t going to burn themselves, you know.
2. Summer Book Report: Tina to the rescue.
Tina Fey’s new ish dropped back in April, but chances are you’ve been too busy doing other really great and important things with your life to notice. Well, pick Bossypants up and enjoy a few laughs. But please, learn how to read first.
3. National Coming Together Moment: The Tour de France.
With football likely on a long-term hiatus, I won’t have those completely useless training camp updates that I both detest and require to get me through the summer. So will Americans like myself finally turn their attention solely to baseball? Hell naw. We’ll gather in shocking and embarrassing numbers around our televisions to watch the Tour de France! This afternoon ride through the countryside is sure to pull big numbers with little other sports competition. It’s also nice that we don’t have a real chance to win it this year, since our best threats are generally dopers. But just in case I don’t have all the facts, man, donate to fight cancer.
4. The Weather is going to be hot, so make some cold hard cash.
I’ve done some serious research on weather patterns, and I’ve determined that the following things will be trendy come June: water, ice, cold. Invest in an A/C or cooling company right before Memorial Day. Congrats! You just became a billionaire several times over. Just make sure to dump stock before the middle of September. Also, start a lemonade stand. Or sell cold chicken parts. I’m telling you, frozen treats are the wave of the future.
5. Music: That one with the dance beat.
Find a club, and dance the night away.