The Five Stupidest Things I’ve Been Keeping in Storage for a Year

One year ago, my husband and I put our condo on the market. This was in preparation for our first grown-up, cross-country, non-white trash move, where we plan to pack our stuff into boxes and put it in a truck, instead of dragging whatever doesn’t fit into the back of a van down to the curb and then driving away.

Attempting to sell your home is an uncomfortable process, not just due to the fact that no one wants to buy a condo in a market where you can buy a four-bedroom house for the same cost as filling the tank of an SUV, but also because you have to stage it. Staging your home pretty much means making it look like anyone (meaning “not you”) could be living there. It’s a lot of painting things beige, hiding stuff in decorative baskets and removing any Jesus figurines with eyes that follow people that you may or may not have hanging above your door.

Even though this is exactly the kind of thing that would make me want to buy a condo. I guess I just don't "get" real estate.

So what do you with all of that stuff that you’ve had to remove in order to make your home look spacious and clean? You could choose to give it to Goodwill or have a garage sale. Or, if you’re me in 2010, you decide that you can’t part with the bookcase you will forget you own in one year and you put it all into storage.

Since the move is rapidly approaching, I went back to the storage unit yesterday to open this terrible time capsule and retrieve the incredibly stupid stuff I’ve saved all this time. Here are the highlights:

Clothes that were too small one year ago

I do feel badly for the woman who got called in to do the "overweight" stock photography shoot.

I guess I had a lot of hope for my strict regimen of working out once or twice every six months, but it did not work out as planned.

VHS Tapes

Never know when these are gonna come in handy.

Why did I keep these? When did I keep these? Did I pack up this unit in 1992? I guess maybe I got technology and fashion mixed up and thought that VCRs would come back in vogue, like jeggings. Trend prediction fail.

Unopened box of plastic spoons

God forbid some situation arises that I do not have access to plastic cutlery.

I think 2010 me was just messing with 2011 me at this point. Good one, past self, I am totally stumped.

Two copies of The Village

One can never have too many copies of a movie one hates.

I want to explain myself here. Neither my husband nor I have ever purchased The Village. One was given to my husband along with a pile of other bootleg movies. And the other…appeared one day, as though put there by a mean-spirited ghost that only a creepy little boy could see. We don’t know how we came to have two copies of this movie, but I realize that does not excuse the fact that in packing up our belongings, I could not part with either copy of a movie I don’t like.

Box of random cords

"Oh good! I've been looking for this."

I have had this random box of cords since I was, I’m guessing, twelve. I bet there’s an Atari controller somewhere in that mass. I can’t seem to throw them away, since I’m convinced that there’s cords in there that I’ll need as soon as I toss them. So I lug them around. And even as I type this, deep down, I know that box is going to make it onto the moving truck.

I mean, after all, Ataris could always come back. And you can never be too prepared.

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9 Responses to The Five Stupidest Things I’ve Been Keeping in Storage for a Year

  1. Ripatranzone says:

    The Village is a great movie if you hate movies.

  2. JDawg says:

    I’m assuming nobody cares about spoiler alerts for that piece of trash, but there it is.

    I watched The Village at Arundel Mills. There was a fairly strong crowd of brothas, which I always love when watching crap like that. There was that one scene where the blind girl is wandering through the woods trying to find help or whatever she was doing, then she hears that monster thing. I’ll try and demonstrate the crowd reactions.

    *Blind chick outwits monster and monster falls into ditch*
    Everyone (including me) jumps up and goes OH SH*T
    *Mask falls off and its revealed that its her retarded brother*
    Everyone puts the hands over their mouths like its an And1 Mixtape, screams, and laughs at the same time.

    I was proud to be in that theater that day.

  3. outspokenslacktivist says:

    I, too, saw The Village at Arundel Mills, in the totally logical Egyptian-themed theater. The first time the “monster” appeared on-screen someone yelled, “Oh no, Spliter coming after you!” That was the best part of the whole movie.

  4. Ripatranzone says:

    I had a birthday party at Medieval Times in Arundel Mills. I was 26.

  5. LBT says:

    You can add computer cables. You never know when you need an ethernet cable.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Just use duck tape

    Ed’s Godfather
    Johnny P.

  7. Anonymous says:

    You are quite a witty writer!

    Marilyn P
    (Your mother-in-law’s cousin)

  8. Achik says:

    Our gluten-free frndies have to do this all the time! Anyway, I totally buy into this, but let’s be honest, I am not ever going to be in favor of giving up cookies and bread completely it’s just not going to happen. Still, I’ve been taking some wheat-less baby steps recently as well in the past couple of months I’ve been trying to cut out cereal. I found that I would just eat huge bowls of it for breakfast, dinner, late night snacks and even if I ate a bunch, I still felt hungry later. So, I’ve been trying some new smoothies for breakfast even some green ones involving kale and spinach! Weird, I know, but they are actually pretty tasty and I feel much better through the day knowing I already have consumed a few servings of fruits and veggies. And now I don’t have boxes of cereal tempting me around the house for a 10:30 pm snack. Instead, I just have a cookie

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