This summer is going to be a tough one. There are a lot of barbeques, graduations, weddings, and pool parties on the horizon. Alcohol will need to be in strong supply to keep friends and relatives well lubricated, and to ensure that you have a least one or two embarrassing stories to share with your friends via tinypic.
The weapon of choice at most of these summer parties? Sure, weddings are traditionally big on wine, but the go-to in just about every situation is beer. You don’t need to impress people with beer. You know what you’re getting- something cheaper and lighter than a real drink. It’s basically the Kevin Farley of drinks. And what better way to show off the Kevin Farley of drinks than the Kevin Farley of television programming: the 30 second beer ad.
Yes, it’s time once again to drink in the summer beer commercials. Companies like Anheuser-Busch are just waiting to unleash these beats, much like your obnoxious friends with the well-chiseled beach bodies look for every opportunity to remove clothing (hint: rarely the ladies). You don’t ask for it, but hey, at least it’s verification that you’ve got a few hot months ahead. So let’s see what we have on tap and check out the lastest commercials from the big boys .
Miller Lite: The Ladies Tee
Keeping in theme with Miller Lite’s “Man Up” series, our main character in this commercial endures heckling from not only his golf buddies, but a girl that has been working the snack cart for about 12 years now. Seriously, I can’t put any value into this commercial because it’s completely unbelievable. Your average snack cart girls isn’t even old enough to make the Chinese gymnastics team. The golfer should be dressing her down, not vice-versa. And now I’m worried to see how this paragraph plays out when we review google searches next month.
1.5/5 cold ones.
Budweiser: Welcome Home
This one is a little more touching. A guy informs his
comrade broski that he’s returning home from military service, and friends and family set up a big welcome party for him in the ol’ barn. There’s shouting, laughter, and tears, but most of all, there is Budweiser, which usually makes for more of the previous three as the night progresses. I’m not blown away with the concept, except for the fact that it avoids the lowest common denominator we usually see in beer commercials. So maybe this one is a winner after all.
3/5 cold ones.
Heineken: The New Can
Heineken throws some ‘bos at Budweiser and Miller in their latest spots, knocking the myriad of new can and bottle designs the two companies have come up with to improve your beverage experience. Which is funny, as Heineken was really big on that whole wide mouth pour/keg can thing for a while. Not an incredibly inventive commercial, but it’s nice to see them take a shot at the big guys.
2/5 cold ones.
Hahn Super Dry: Super In/Super Out
The first time I had ever heard of this Australian brew, it was now. However, this is exactly the type of over-the-top material that every beer commercial should have. Weaknesses? There ARE no weaknesses.
5/5 cold ones.
Coors Light: Colder than Ice Cube
I think I get the joke in this one. But I’m not sure. Still, no amount of beer will help me forget what happened to Ice Cube’s career.
1/5 cold ones.
Sam Adams: Summer Ale
Jim Koch, this shit will not fly. I know you probably spend a lot more on production of actual beers, but running the same commercial two summers in a row is small time, unless you plan to break Tom Emanski’s record. Don’t bring that weak tot action, you’ve got to go strong to the mouth.
Score: 0/5 cold ones. Seriously, don’t pull this shit again.
Wish I had a few more to work with, but the market is dominated by a few big companies. You want Dos Equis? Too bad, Hamsterdam is definitely not interesting enough to be associated with that product. Still, not too upset with the current crop of commercials. So grab a beer, put a wiener on the grill and enjoy your summer, guy.