I’m not perfect. Far from it, actually. I’m a terrible driver, the only pet I feel confident enough to care for is a fish (and it’s dying), and when I was seven years old I struck out in T-ball.
Also, I exaggerate. I didn’t strike out in T-ball. Kids can’t strike out in T-ball, they think it would damage their fragile egos. What actually happened was I swung at and missed a stationary target seven times. Then when I finally made it on base I got to hear the other team making fun me. But at least I felt good about myself!
On the plus side, this led to the diagnose that I was going through my childhood with the same vision as a near-sighted mole person, which was quickly corrected.
Sometimes, after thinking about my faults and listing them out on a public forum, I need a boost. And for that, I look to the world of game shows, where people often sacrifice dignity for the entertainment of others and the chance to win a living room set. Here are a few contestants who should make all us literate people who can work a computer feel better about ourselves.
Out of All Places
I don’t know what this woman meant when she exclaimed, “Out of all places!” as though Lenin’s tomb would be the last place on Earth that would need embalming fluid, but I love her for it. I imagine it has something to do with the swing from total confidence that a large rock arrangement would need to be regularly embalmed to utter surprise at discovering that she did not know what 11 of the 23 words in that question meant.
The interaction between the audience and contestants on The Price is Right has always been one of my favorite elements of the show. When stumped, the onstage contestants always turn to the regular schmucks in the audience, in their homemade, bubble-painted T-shirts, fanny packs and jorts, as though they are all financial oracles that obviously know whether the crackers are more expensive than the baby wipes. Something gets lost in translation between this woman and her friends, however, as she apparently loses the ability to understand what money is and attempts to bid $165,000 on a trip to Europe. The worst part is that once she gets it sorted out, she wins the prize, meaning that woman is going to multiple European countries. And you know the currency conversion is going to be a NIGHTMARE.
You know it’s bad when even a muppet, with its stationary face, seems to be judging you. The worst part about this is that she admits that her logic has not been very good, and then says, “Why change?” Because you’re wrong. Because everything you understand about the world is wrong, and you should change that.
This might be a stupid question
This is how I know I would be a bad game show contestant. Because if I were on a show that invited me to test my wits against children, and a question challenged my understanding of geography, I would not admit to my confusion out loud. But if people wanted to watch reasonable people make educated guesses without asking inane questions, they’d watch Jeopardy. This redneck joke-loving audience wants to watch a dumb woman find out on live television that Europe is not a single country. And, if they’re anything like me, they want that woman to be pretty and blonde to reinforce their privately held stereotype that pretty, blonde people have never seen a globe.
Just a Really Logical Guess
I can’t imagine what it must be like to hear yourself say, “Self-Potato” out loud, on television, as a serious guess. Because, clearly, as soon as she says it she knows that is not a thing. That is, that it wasn’t a thing. Now it’s many things, according to Urban Dictionary, and you can even get the t-shirt. The contestant was later interviewed in the New York Times, proving that the dumber something is, the more Americans want to get to the bottom of it.
Bonus moment: Kid reacts how we would all react on Jeopardy
This should happen more on Jeopardy. It would definitely make it more relatable.