Hamsterdam Health Update: Those jeans make your butt look like a slightly larger butt.

Ariba, muchacos! I’m back from my self-imposed exile from blogging. I hope you enjoyed your vacation.

I’m happy to return today, because we’ve got something extremely important to discuss. Besides your semi-annual trip to the gym, we’ve got some groundbreaking news on the health front. News of galactic proportions. No, this isn’t about the worries over health care spending, or even things that make your tummy urpy. Scientists have unlocked the secret to our very (not so) well-being: foods that make us fat.

Eggs: nature's unborn birds.

Yes, this month the New England Journal of Medicine published a report qualfying the effects of certain foods and activities on weight change. This is some very tough information to digest, and I won’t even get started on what it’s like to poop it out. But guess who is here for you yet again? Why yes, it’s Hamsterdam, the official laxative of the innanets, ready to report on the winners and losers.

Here, a graphic ranking foods from most to least tasty.

WINNER: Yogurt

Greek yogurt is like Balki from Perfect Strangers. Sadly, regular yogurt is Larry Appleton.

What looks like sour cream, but tastes like a cleaning product? Yogurt, nature’s way of sneaking extra bacteria into your colon, came up big in this study. Eating yogurt on a daily basis is a great way to make you associate all creamy white foods with fetid rot, and therefore help you keep the pounds off. Tip: add strawberries for a healthy alternative to actual food enjoyment.


Clockwise from left: pecan, Brazil, almond, Tito, and Jermaine.

Mistakenly referred to as “nature’s candy”, it is no coincidence that this food is named after both a negative exclamation and a groin. This is actually a very diverse category, including everything from peanuts ( tasty Longhorn Steakhouse floor nuts) to walnuts (hard as fuck to open nuts), and macadamias (white people nuts) to almonds (the tofu of nuts). Nuts are actually high in fat. But unlike a lot of fried foods, this is the good fat that you were pretty drunk and your standards were not so high at the time and hey, it had been a while.

WINNER: Your annoyingly heath-conscious friend

Like bringing a knife to a gunfight.

“Did you know eating whole grains every day can help you lose over a half pound every year?” Well,  Ted, or Kim, or whatever their name is, just reinforced their need to talk about some icky diet to everyone else, no thanks to this study. Pinning this article on their common room billboard and referencing it every 15 minutes, it joins others such as Olestra makes you poop out your vitamins in filling your ignorant snacking with guilt. Hope you’re ready to be chided for any missteps, including that bowl of Werther’s Originals on your desk. Just kidding! Nobody has ever eaten those.

LOSER: French Fries

Fries: distracting you from the burgers ever since Dave Thomas passed away.

First freedom fries, and now this? Our julienned friend can’t buy a break. It turns out that dropping a starch into a vat of hot oil is not just unhealthy, but unspeakably delicious. You can expect the Belgian mayonnaise industry to be up in fat droopy arms over this report. Eating this on an everyday basis will almost certainly lead to both weight gain and high fives from whomever you choose to share this golden treat with. As Caesar was famously warned, beware the fries of starch.

LOSER: Unprocessed red meats

The girl with the curl.

After the big-time starches and carbs, this had to be the most devastating news from this study. How could a perfectly marbled ribeye have any negative…anything? Leave it to those ivory tower liberals at Harvard to take all the fun our of wind out of our Yale sails. Shockingly, processed meats fared better, despite the frequent addition of salts and preservatives. Will I ever look at a porterhouse the same way? I guess no news is good news. Go Bulldogs.

LOSER: Common Sense

There are things in this world that are, by their nature, quite obvious:

Things that my body probably won’t consider a superfood? Yea, I’d add the thinly sliced potato product fried in a heavenly-smelling oil to that group. So why did it take a couple Harvard scientists to tabulate data spanning 20 years to come to this conclusion? Apparently we need to be bludgeoned over the head with the information. But the worst part about this, it only makes us want the French fries even more. I poured over the information graphic over and over, and the only thing I came away with was damn, I need some of them jaunts. The research will undoubtedly help us in making small adjustments (more whole grains instead of refined, less sweets and more fruits), but honestly I just want to buy stock in McDonald’s after seeing this graphic. Sorry researchers, but I think I just got Stockholm Syndrome’d. At least I know what I’m getting into, I guess. Veritas, indeed.

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