Good morning Vietnam! (Yea, good morning to all you mothflying knotty headed nibblers.)
When I break out the Die Hard-on-TBS style dramatic cursing, you know it can only mean one thing. Grab a gallon of Edy’s and join me on the couch, because I’m about to lament.
I had a wave of regret sweep over me recently. Not the guilty kind that you get after macking on your friend’s sister, or accidentally laughing during a MeanKitty video. Not even the regret you should be feeling after eating all of that Edy’s – I mean, seriously, how is that even humanly possible? No, this is the more generalized, “What have you done with your life?” type. Quiet reflection and such, on a life 13% spent in front of a computer. I seriously hope that’s not the actual percentage.
One of my biggest “life” regrets is not becoming an doctor. I feel like that’s still one of the best ways to help those who need help. And make money from sick people. Antiquated and unrealistic, I know. Dad was even alright with this decision, but Asian Dad took it really hard. Our family hasn’t been the same since.
Outside of that, my other big regret is not being the first to dream up some great ideas. You know what I’m talking about. Sweet potato fries. Boxes that you can fill with even smaller boxes. Home Alone. The things that make the world turn. Oh, that’s another good one: gravitational force.
While Hamsterdam can’t claim the concept of a Top 5 as our own, we’ve definitely made the Top 5 better (chew on those Chicklets, High Fidelity). For today’s Top 5, I can think of a few things out there that definitely should’ve been my ideas. And don’t go poppin off at the mouth about this, cause snitches get list-es.
5. Angel Food Cake
What a delicious treat! So light and fluffy, it’s like eating a happy cloud. It’s amazing how you can minimize the cholesterol and fat, and maintain enough sugar to keep you on-track for type 2 diabetes. This is definitely an idea I should have thought of first. It’s also nice because you don’t have you use the yolk – you can put it back in the shell, leave it outside, and you’ll have your very own baby chick ready in two to three days. Yay nature! But seriously, fuck Lil’ Debbie Crocker for thinking of this before me.
Do you have an original idea? Probably not. That means you’re still in the running to write for Hamsterdam. I thought I had an original idea once, but sure enough, the guys at InventHelp had already beaten me to it. InventHelp doesn’t have actual ideas, except for one: goad people into coming up with inventions and then have them pay you to market them. Seriously, what a great idea! You put together an idea for hoodie jeans (no stealing), and they convince you to pay for prototype modeling software, advertising, the whole nine yards. Now you’ve got the professional backing necessary for your idea to get off the ground circa the Write Brothers’ first flight. There are few things better than getting rich off people that want to get rich.
3. Teen Angst
Teenager problems have been around since humans invented nature. Lions, wolves, and other furry things you shouldn’t pet are known for their rambunctious adolescent behavior and haircuts that the older generation just doesn’t get. To pretend that humans are any different is silly. That’s why I really should’ve tagged and bottled teen angst in the ’50s, right around the start of rock n’ roll, and just raked in the cash. I would’ve thrown in a sample of Devil May Hair Care just to sweeten the deal. I would’ve made an absolute killing, also known as that thing in your teen’s music that makes them think of you.
You have no idea how angry it makes me to see these links every week. It’s so simple, yet brilliant. I’ve seen facebook pictures of Rip, and I can tell you, someone
more devastatingly handsome with only one Y-chromosome else should be writing this stuff.
1. Sports drinks
What the balls! How did they go about convincing athletes that they need to drink a ton a sugar water? Oh yea, that’s right, people were dumb back in the ’60s and ’70s. Ever give a runner a can of Mr. Pibb halfway through a race? No, because that wouldn’t be acceptable. Even Steve Nash’s ugly mug can sell this stuff. Gatorade, Vitamin Water, Powerade – I really whiffed on this one.
Well, there you have it: things that should’ve been mine, along with the fame and glory that accompanies them. Thanks for listening, but really, did you need to barrel through that entire tub of ice cream? Jesus that’s disgusting. Stick to angel food cake next time.