Current Events: Jelly Belly Edition

A lot has happened in the week following the Kate Upton show featuring the MLB All-Star Game, and you’ve been asleep for at least 1/3 of it. Grab your bowl of Crackin’ Oat Bran, cause we’ve got a lot to discuss.

Mouth full of oat bran now? Good.

Human suffering! Constant violence! Destruction of cultural and historic landmarks! I hope everyone else also had a chance to see Harry Potter. A few other things happened as well this week…something about the “det” ceiling, whatever that means. Maybe it’s an acronym.

This picture was taken around 2003, when national debt wasn't such a douche.

To help us navigate through this veritable candy store of news, I’m employing the use of Jelly Bellys, because I think I’m soooo clever. I’ve also asked The Big 40 himself, Ronald Reagan, to opine about each bean.

 

Casey Anthony angers moms on facebook.

Admit it...she has an honest face.

I am not sure who this woman is. She is guilty…of something. Apparently she riled up a lot of 30- and 40-year-old moms that make up my social circle happen to be on my newsfeed.  This is the same group of people that constantly plays Farmville though, so I’m guessing she didn’t pay for some cherry trees or something. Hot girls get a bye on my list.

Jelly Belly Rating: Buttered popcorn

Ronald Reagan says: Oooh, this one looks good. [chews] Ack, this tastes like patootie! I would not wish this on my greatest enemy. What trickery is this?

 

British Tabloid Phone Hacking Scandal makes the British Tabloids.

That guy is definitely ogling the royal jubblies.

A word of advice to aspiring journalists out there: don’t write for Hamsterdam. Furthermore, you should avoid hacking into peoples phones, or using your influence as a media mogul to pressure politicians (for the wrong reasons). No good can come from it, except that if you also own another “competing” paper, you can probably pick up a few more readers. Clever girl.

Jelly Belly Rating: Tutti Frutti

Ronald Reagan says: Mmmm, support for traditional conservatives is taking my tastebuds for a ride. How exciting!


Harry Potter 7 Part 2: Harry Potter and the Hordes of Sad Teenagers

I think I just flourished my wand.

Well, it’s here: the last movie of the series. Daniel Radcliffe, thank you for your 10 years of service. Producers, thank you for assembling a cast much hotter than Daniel Radcliffe. I saw the midnight showing opening day, which is downright pathetic. Mostly I just wanted to be done with it. Spoiler: be prepared for an on-screen abortion near the end. And I’m not talking dying baby Voldemort.

Jelly Belly Rating: Bertie Bott’s Grass 

Ronald Reagan says: I don’t think I’ve had this flavor. Familiar, but new. I’ve had all the others…might as well say I’ve tried them all.

 

U.S. Debt talks: Despite best effort of jerks, slightly less-jerks lead us closer to a consensus.

The Gang of Six, formerly known as The Gang of Sex.

So apparently we have this thing going on where we haven’t paid off our credit cards in a while, and we decided to pay them off using other credit cards which turns out doesn’t work like we thought it would, so we put it all on another, more Chinese credit card and we still haven’t even figured out what we bought in the first place but I will see you in HELL before they [insert decrease my benefits/increase my taxes]! Good news: we might be able to tackle this. If not, we will allow Obama to print money, and our problems will be salved.

Jelly Belly Rating: Pink grapefruit

Ronald Reagan says: It’s so sour. My mouth says yuck but my tummy says it’s good. I’m confused.

 

NFL Lockout almost at an end.

Derrick Mason, considerably darker than any NFL owner, walks somewhere.

So apparently we have this thing going on where we haven’t paid off our new stadiums in a while, and we decided to pay them off by building even bigger stadiums, which turns out doesn’t work like we thought it would, so we put it all on another, more cantankerous revenue-sharing agreement and we still haven’t even figured out what team we follow in the first place but I will see you in HELL before they [insert decrease my seating/increase my ticket prices]! Good news: we will literally be able to tackle this. If not, we will allow James Harrison to keep talking about Roger Goodell, and our problems will be Salave’ad.

Jelly Belly Rating: Vanilla 

Ronald Reagan says: This is more boring than sex with my wife.

A big tip of the hat to The Gipper for the thoughtful analysis. Thanks for tuning in. It’s been roughly 5 minutes, and that Cracklin’ is probably close to spacklin’. You’re excused…just make sure you clean up.

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One Response to Current Events: Jelly Belly Edition

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