Current Events: Fantasy Draft edition

With the economy slogging along and the jobs report looking as sad as that kid I just yelled at, the news recently has been anything but positive. It’s like you don’t even want to read the front page of that newspaper you don’t purchase.

Like a mom force feeding her kid vegetables, Hamsterdam is going to give you your news, whether you like it or not. We’ll just wrap it in a sweet candy coating of fantasy football, and pray you don’t spit the whole thing back up.

The news: now with more of that mashed carrots taste you love.

Think about it: you want to know which of these stories has potential, best exemplified in draft format. An uncovered terrorist plot could be a late-round sleeper. Lindsay Lohan TMZ nightclub appearances would go undrafted. And a monkey riding a pig would go 1st, barring horrifically cute injury. Behold: current events, fantasy draft edition!

GOP Candidates

You can vote for these people as well.

You have the 2nd pick in Current Events Fantasy Football, so go with the obvious: The GOP primaries, which is guaranteed to produce plenty of headlines the next year. What a loveable casts of characters! Creepy Uncle Mitt Romney, Howlin’ Mad Rick Perry, Firebrand Michelle Bachmann, Cloak and Dagger Ron Paul. I feel like I’m watching a debate on the Island of Misfit Toys, except that Bird Fish will be the next leader of the free world. I’ll be visiting the North Pole between 2012 and 2016.
Projected Stats:
36 states toured, 100% taxes cut, 2 Herman Cain pizza delivery fantasies.

Warren Buffett

One time I saw him poop a quarter. This was that time.

Warren Buffett, a.k.a. Moneystacks McGreens, penned a Times opinion piece stating that the uber-wealthy weren’t taxed enough. Rich people everywhere were furious, so my butler told me. At least we know Buffy is easily one of the best trolls I’ve seen in a long time, and I spend hours a day on the internet. Unfortunately, this isn’t a very draft-worthy story. Big headline, but little staying power. I’d maybe take a flag on it as a late-rounder.
Projected Stats:
$50 billion net worth, 17% effective tax rate, at least 5 women on the side.


Hey, let's go for a swim.

The small island of Aruba – a true vacation paradise. Unless you happen to be a young blonde woman, in which case, prepare a good headshot for new channels around the country. This is a pick you can wait on – while missing blondes in the Caribbean are guaranteed to get plenty of screen time, the story won’t give you much bang for your buck. Anyone who picks this one up before the 5th round is flailing like…well, we’ll just leave it at that.
Projected Stats:
2 tearful parents, 1 arrested weirdo, thousands of really bad LOST jokes.

Miami Football Scandal

Ponzi scheme? Presidential cabinet member? A large ibis? Nothing is off the table.

This story is still just breaking out of it’s shell. Consider this one gone by the beginning of the second round, and for good reason. Cheating, hitlists, prostitution, the works. The abortion is like the 18th most shocking part about the story. Welcome into the world, little guy!
Projected Stats:
1 Athletic Director fired, 70 wins vacated, 7-5 season.

Brain-eating Amoebas

The 21st century zombie.

Holy fartballs. Microscopic organisms liquifying brains! Apparently these little killers that could just love warm water. And after reading a few stories on these deaths, I am definitely in the mood for a cold shower. Now this is the kind of sensational story that I can get behind. I see this sexy pick moving up the draft boards. Take a chance in the 5th or 6th round, or you’re team could wind up sucking major contractile vacuole this season.
Projected Stats:
5 deaths, 290 billion genome base pairs, 11 horrible headline names (Ameobaggedon in the early lead).

Well, that’s all you need to know for now. Go back to your blissful ignorance, draft Kevin Kolb way too high, and take a short swim in a warm stagnant pond in Aruba. Enjoy the remainder of the summer, folks.

This entry was posted in Advice, People We'd Like To Hang Out With, Top 5. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Current Events: Fantasy Draft edition

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