Water enough for ya? We can’t give this stuff away now.
A warm welcome to you, hurricane season. While some towns in Texas have gone weeks without so much as a drop, Irene has turned the East Coast into a very wet playground that I am actually allowed within 500 feet of. Most people have taken to sealing themselves inside their houses, waiting for the power to go out/come back on. For those with power, and Innanets, I say unto you: F you, Irene.
I’ll be glad to see this weather system pass, as I’ve been forced to move all of my buckets to cover leaky window sills, which is interrupting my ongoing makeshift Mr. Bucket game. Also, I’ve had enough of this tired routine we go through each hurricane season. It’s getting tough to take it seriously, which feels like a horrible thing to say, given the fury these storms can strike with. We can do better. How so, you ask? Consider me Scripps National, cause I’m about to spell it out for you.
1. The Weather Channel.
Even you, loyal reader, have to admit that it’s a little weird to see The Weather Channel so geared up for this. I feel like all of the reporters prepare by doing a line of blow with Michael Bay while watching the big chase scene from Fast 5ive.
Anyways, you can be sure to witness late-breaking updates, rife with tree branches and shingles flying across the screen as a brave reporter in a yellow poncho screams into a mic. And that’s before the hurricane hits. For me, there’s just too much sensationalism. No theatrics please. You don’t need to play to the viewers – just tell me what’s in the forecast.
2. Amateur Meteorologists
Oh, what’s that? There’s a low pressure system forming off the Canary Islands? The barometer is dropping? Man you are really killing our buzz. Back me up on this, Michael Bay. Listen, I’m glad you looked up Coriolis force on wikipedia, but please, I don’t need this clogging my twitter feed, which is the new term I use to describe my ears. I mean, for godsakes man, you’re a technical specialist, not a suspiciously handsome TV weather personality. This isn’t the time for a career change, unless you know how to fix windows, in which case I will gladly pay you for services rendered. I’ve got TV and internet – please, just do your part by referencing The Scorpions or making yourself mediocre mixed drinks. That’s all I ask.
3. Batten Down The Hatches
This is a phrase that needs to be put in a permanent sleeper hold. The original, “batter down the hatches”, fell out of favor after the Iowa caucuses as Americans began to ask for their Oreos, Twinkies, and butter sticks grilled or baked, thereby eliminating the need for delicious deep-fried batter. Besides, few of us have hatches anymore, and if we did, Hurricane John Locke would find a way in. We need a new favorite expression to tell people to prepare for a storm. I’m nomnomnominating “Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife”. It’s raining on everybody out there.
Hey Big Man, long time no talk. Far be it for me to understand your ways, but we had a 5.8 earthquake hit Maryland just a few days ago, and now a Category 2 hurricane. These ares like the Tostitos brand Medium Salsas of disasters (not mocking, I swear, please no smiting). I appreciate that these are both rather mild in scope, but we had a pretty nice no-disaster streak going since Thundersnow. I prefer to celebrate your creations of pleasant weather, birds chirping, baseball, all the good stuff. Believe me, I know a tree branch could fly through the window minutes after publishing this, making for a very ironic and highly-viewed Hamsterdam post. I’m just asking that you let up for a few days. You seem tense, you could use a vacation.
5. The stuff inside my fridge
I had visions of my power going out, and me running over to the fridge and heroically scarfing down several
pounds ounces of cheese and a doggy bag of biryani to prevent spoilage. So far, the power has remained intact, but the food situation is brutal. Celery? Skim milk? I thought the Third Circle of Hell is reserved for gluttons, not gluttons for punishment AMIRITE? I have Category 5 hunger; this is completely unacceptable. Remind me to offer to do the shopping next time we’re threatened with a big storm.
Good luck to everyone enduring the storm. Batter those hatches, and save some for my celery sticks. Stay safe, East Coasters.