ABC launches fall lineup for a very specific audience.

You guys, I’m really worried about ABC. Because while every network has, like always, a fair share of shows that are guaranteed to be god awful (I’m looking at you, Whitney), ABC’s sitcoms this season don’t just look bad, they look bitter. Like, “Can you believe that bitch Rhonda got the house when I went to work all those years and she stayed home to bang the guy who cleaned our gutters?” bitter. Like, “Borrow a Feeling” bitter.

The key message of each of these new shows seems to be that women are taking over the world and men need to rise up and be men once again. But the men in these shows, as they are contractually obligated to be in sitcoms, are buffoons. So the question is, who are these shows for? I used my patented research technique (98% blind speculation, 2% Google image search) to determine ABC’s target audience. And I think I found him. 

Meet ABC’s viewer: Earl Jenkins, 49

His Situation: Earl’s wife left him after he was laid off from his job at a textiles factory. Although the official company line was that the factory closed because Levi’s shipped its jobs overseas, Earl blames the rise of dual-income households for the current job crisis – and for his wife earning enough money to hire that shyster lawyer. Earl believes that once women gain power in the workplace, they hire only other women so they can synchronize their periods and take over the world.

And that’s why he watches… 

His Family: Earl now gets his three teenage daughters every other weekend. They make no effort to hide the fact that they prefer their mother over him, except when they want to borrow his car, because all women are blood-sucking leeches and maybe if he had had boys at least there’d be the possibility of a college football scholarship instead of the constant worry that one of them will get knocked up.

And that’s why he watches…

His Social Life: Like his daughters, Earl’s friends seem to all prefer his ex-wife, so he’s been filling his time playing board games with some guys he met down at the unemployment office. His favorite is Risk, which reminds him of a time when men were men, engaged in wars over global domination instead of battling in divorce court over who gets the foldaway bed. He wishes he could be more like his father and grandfather, who were both in the Marines, but he never joined because of his self-diagnosed foot problem.

And that’s why he watches…

Earl’s been having a rough time of it lately, but now that ABC has produced three new shows just for him, I think he’ll be all right. In the mean time, one of us should probably go visit ABC down at the Y because I’m worried that when it sees the ratings, it’s going to be seriously depressed.

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