Let’s All Lose Some Money! – NFL Gambling Week 2

Not everyone likes the NFL. Not everyone likes sports. But EVERYONE likes money.

Why are there so many feline themed teams in the NFL? Racist.

Week 1 is in the books and it was totally predictable, as the good teams smashed their inferior opponents, evenly matched teams played close fought battles down to the wire, and all the experts on ESPN had their opinions validated. That, or the complete opposite.

In a wild week I somehow managed, through sheer will, determination, and awesomeness, to go 4-1. Let’s do a quick review of the last week and see how things went (hint: very well):

  • If the Saints had only managed to score on that final untimed down at the end of Thursday’s game, I would have managed to double my (very real) money by starting the season off perfect. (-$200)
  • The Ravens snuck by the Steelers 35-7, and Ben Roethlisberger has a few very uncomfortable hours to spend knocking on doors in the Pittsburgh area.(+$100)
  • The Eagles Katy Perry’d their way in an extremely mainstream fashion over the hipster Rams. Mike Sims better get used to Livin’ on a Prayer. (+$300)
  • The Redskins’ racist ways proved to be more American than the belief in non-existent beings, and NBC/ESPN producers need to start reviewing this list of Hoboken landmarks. (+$250)
  • Dallas blew the game but kept me happy, losing in an incredibly pathetic finish to the Jets. We can all now begin to mess with Texas with impunity. (+$150)

Ruby went only 1-4 because she is a cat.

She does not take losing well.

I won $800 last week and lost only $200, as I managed to avoid pretty much all of the huge upsets.

Now on to this week’s biggest games, as chosen by me. I was truly amazed by all the scoring last week so to spice things up, I will be taking the over in each game this week. This means that the combined score between both teams must be over the number established by some fat guy in Vegas. Home teams in CAPS, all lines via bodog.com, lines accurate as of noon Wednesday.

SAINTS (-7) over Bears ($50), over 47.5 ($100)

I still think the Bears suck even though they beat down Atlanta and the Saints offense looked great against a pretty good Packers D, so I think the over should come through here. I’ve been to New Orleans but I’ve never been to Chicago, though I’d like to. My feeling here is that the Saints jump out to a big lead, give Chicago an opening, but the Bears choke as Cutler throws a late pick. I don’t feel very good about this one.

Too soon?

Ruby’s Pick: Bears

The Stakes: The losing city can no longer be considered “underrated.”

BILLS (-3.5) over Raiders ($100), over 43.5($100)

Both these teams suck, but they’re both coming off of wins so one of them will get to 2-0 and delay the inevitable realization that they are not good. The Bills are probably the saddest team in the NFL. Their city sucks, their team has been horrible forever, they play some of their games in CANADA, and they are probably going to move to Los Angeles. Plus, they are named after a guy who never stepped foot in New York and has nothing to do with them at all. Why am I picking them again? I think the Raiders are a better FOOTBALL team, but the Bills can throw it around and score a bunch and that’s really what wins in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

Doesn't give a shit about Scott Norwood.

Ruby’s Pick: Raiders

The Stakes: The winner gets to move to Los Angeles!

REDSKINS (-4) over Cardinals ($150), over 45

Yet another matchup between 1-0 teams that probably suck. The Redskins’ racism faces a tough test this week, as the emerging racism of the entire state of Arizona has really become a media darling in recent years. I feel that the Redskins have that veteran racist savvy that comes from centuries of hate, as opposed to the more modern, flashy racism that only really came to light in the past couple decades. What can I say, I’m old school.

Holy shit.

Ruby’s Pick: Cardinals

The Stakes: The loser’s fans must invite the ACLU to tailgate with them before the next home game

Chargers (+7) over PATRIOTS ($50), over 54.5 ($100)

The Patriots lead the league in passing offense and total offense, while the Chargers lead the league in passing defense and total defense. One of those is much more likely to change after this game. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like I pick a team and then immediately explain why that pick is wrong. Not very confident going into this week. This should be a fun game to watch.

Ruby’s Pick: Chargers

The Stakes: If the Pats win, Tom Brady’s badass UGGs commercial can never, ever air again, as there is nothing badass at all about either Tom Brady or UGGs. If the Chargers lose, their fans must wear UGGs to the next home game.

Badass Tom Brady needs to fart.

Eagles (-3) over FALCONS ($150), over 50 ($100)

The Eagles proved last week that they are to be taken seriously, while the Falcons seemed dead set on proving they are a joke. I highly doubt that the Falcons will look that bad all season, but I just think the Eagles are better. This marks Mike Vick’s first return to the ATL as a starter, and I’m sure that the Falcons fans will welcome him warmly and with open arms.

Ruby’s Pick: Falcons

The Stakes: If the Falcons win, Mike Vick can never return to the city of Atlanta. If the Falcons lose, they must admit that they are not better off with Matt Ryan and build a statue to Mike Vick outside the Georgia Dome.

This would make a great statue.

Season Record: 4-1, $1600 balance

Ruby’s Season Record: 1-4

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