These Shows Come Back on Air and I’m Like FUNKIN GONUTS!

Men and not men, welcome back. It’s TV Week here at Hamsterdam, and I’m pleased as Falcon Punch to talk about return of all my favorite the shows this season. More importantly, I’m even more excited about all the shows that are returning in my mind.

Show me your moves, Fall lineup.

I’ve read a few blogs the past month, ignored a few others,  and frankly I can’t get excited about any of the new shows. Terra Nova is a no-go: I hate dinosaurs so much that I only watched Jurassic Park maybe three or four times, and I didn’t even both to watch Cocoon. And Tim Allen in the newly revamped Two and a Half Men just isn’t my cup of tea. Wait, he’s in a different show? But it was the role he was born to play!

Anyway, I can think of at least a few shows that could return to their full glory.  Let’s parade them out in dim light so you don’t notice the wrinkles.

M.A.N.T.I.S. (T.H.E. S.E.Q.U.E.L.)

Please tell me that is his arm. Holy shit, you're kidding right? No wonder he's a superhero.

According to Google Analytics, most of our readers were nyet in 1994. As a 5th grader, M.A.N.T.I.S. was probably the greatest show I ever watched twice, so I’m thinking another new season 15 years later is just what the doctor odored. I remember some guy in a wheelchair using robotic extensions to his body to fight crime. He was also black, which was very efficient for 90s crimefighting.  After he finished off all the regular crime, writers went gonzo with the sci-fi and started weaving in monsters and time travel, you know, things that always turn solid shows into real winners. Most importantly, he was for science, unlike that cad Rick Perry. Come black to us, Dr. Hawkins!

Scooby Doo and the Dead Horse

Can you figure out who finds this show entertaining?

Zoinks, the gang’s all back! After a journey to the big screen, and several straight to DVD, our favorite mystery-solving medaling kids pop back into action, using their powers of speech impediment and slapstick to heartworm their way back into our major arteries. Several big-time celebrities also make animated cameos, including Robert Pattinson, Russell Brand, and a deconstructed Lady Gaga. Since they’re in a primetime network slot, they’ll inevitably need to cater to an older audience and tackle tougher issues like Thelma’s osteoporosis and Fred’s climbin’ yo windows and snatchin’ yo people up (ruh-roh). I have no doubt producers will manage to keep it lighthearted, though.

CBS Fall Lineup

Hey, look at all these shows that came back after last season! Yay! It’s lineups like this that say to me, yes, the networks really know what viewers want. Sort of like Mel Gibson in that movie about reading women’s’ minds, The Road Warrior. The other networks won’t even know what hit them. I’m looking forward to Thursday nights most of all, when I can catch Persons of Interest and The Mentalist back-to-back, and then carve out a little time afterward to make out with my garbage disposal. A bunch of schemers and dreamers over there, I tell ya.

LOST, Season 7

“I shouldn’t even be here!” We agree, Desmond.

You thought it was over? Ha, nobody is that lucky! It turns out that the church was just an alternate dimension in itself. You never saw that one coming! Neither did the writers until the paychecks stopped arriving every other week. This season revolves around “flash-upwards” scenes, in which standard time sequences are punctuated by events that happen 10 feet above the characters. Major themes include answering questions that never arose in the first place, Jacob’s grocery list, and the mysterious healing power of John Locke’s loins. Sadly, in my current timeline, I half-wish I was serious.

FRIENDS II: FRIENDS TO THE END

Oh, to be young, good looking, and living in a sitcom.

Somebody help these people out. It’s been, what, 7 years since the show ended, and somehow only Jennifer Aniston can get meaningful work. Courtney Cox has had some minor success with Dirt and Cougar Town, but chances of her listing those on her resume are thinner than Courtney Cox. David Schwimmer has taken his talents to the John Hancock Observatory audio tour. And don’t even get me started on Lisa Kudrow, because, hey, I’m already finished. Yes, these guys desperately need a return to network TV, so we can see them hanging out in Central Perk, talking about all those funny things that never made it into the show. At least it’s a recipe for more Smelly Cat remixes. It’s not a handout, it’s a hand-up.

 

Tune in Monday as we explore the culinary masterpiece that is Vienna sausages in a can. We’ll throw a few of these back and hopefully tune in to see a dinosaur eat someone on Terra Nova. Roar.

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One Response to These Shows Come Back on Air and I’m Like FUNKIN GONUTS!

  1. Mel says:

    Friends II sounds amazing. There have to be others with as poor of taste in television as me.

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