Hipster Predictions: New trends for people who hated everything before it was cool to hate everything

Hey hipsters, I’ve got some bad news:

You’ve gone mainstream. The above is from a show on ABC. That’s right, the same “ABC” that everyone’s heard of. That’s right, the same “everyone” you hate. Regular people are hopping on the hipster bandwagon. They’re wearing your giant glasses and drinking your organic chai and counting themselves among your ranks.

But they’re not as hipster as you. You discovered Pitchfork first. You wore jorts ironically when they were just wearing them because it was 90 degrees and there was a sale at Kohls. You’re a hipster hipster. But now that everything you love has seeped into mainstream culture, how will you differentiate yourself from the posers and wannabes? You need to switch things up. And I’ve got some ideas.

Hipster Accessory: Thick, Black-Frame Glasses

"I spent $275 on these glasses to prove I don't care how I look."

The glasses have become the ultimate symbol of hipsterdom, putting a lot of nerds who actually need those glasses to read in an uncomfortable position. But they’re also the easiest hipster accessory for people to rip off. You guys need something with more of a commitment behind it. A higher barrier to entry, so only the real hipsters can get on board with it. That’s why I propose…

Hipster Hipster Accessory: Ironic Braces

"Oh, those glasses are kind of cute. These braces cost me seven grand, and I've never looked worse."

Boom. These are expensive, ugly and basically welded to your teeth. If you really didn’t care how you looked, you’d go for it. And you’d get the headgear.

Hipster Food Movement: Organic, Fair Trade Coffee

"I don't know how you drink that other stuff. Oh, I can totally taste the difference. Your coffee tastes like pesticide and exploitation."

You guys led the way in the fair trade movement, and you managed to do it in such a dickish way that you actually turned a lot of people off this legitimate cause. Which was awesome…while it lasted. I’ve seen fair trade coffee at Safeway. Safeway. Who will you lecture when everyone drinks what you’re drinking? Think about it.

Hipster Hipster Food Movement: Indoor Chicken Coops

"Oh, do you just trust that the eggs you're buying are from free range chickens? I guess I just prefer to know where my food is coming from. Come on in, and don't worry, you'll get used to the smell."

Your commitment to responsible food practices will be irrefutable once you build a chicken coop inside your Brooklyn apartment. Yes, the neighbors will complain about the smell, which will provide the perfect opportunity to lecture them about factory farming.

Hipster Beer: PBR

"I drink cheap beer because I love it. And I spent all my money on ironic t-shirts."

PBR is actually one of the better dirt cheap beers on the market, a quality that has earned it popularity among the two opposite ends of the manual labor spectrum – hipsters and construction workers. But it became so popular that you can now find it anywhere, and when tallboys are on special for $2 per can, it becomes difficult to tell who’s drinking it as a lifestyle choice and who’s just bargain hunting.

Hipster Hipster Beer: Old Chub

"Oh, PBR was good for a while, but I'm kind of over it. Old Chub is so much better, it's like PBR but if someone put a cigarette out in it."

I’m probably going to get shit for this, because I hear good things about this brewery and it’s even won awards, but this is the grossest beer I’ve ever had. And lest you think the bar was set high, I grew up on Natty Ice. So for hipster hipsters who are looking for a beer that will never go mainstream, this is my choice for you. It may be more expensive than PBR, but it’s 8% alcohol so you can probably split one with a friend and reach the same outcome.

Hipster Transportation: Fixed Gear Bike

"This is what I think of your helmet laws."

Fixed gear bikes have become so common in cities that you can’t throw a stone, or more importantly drive a car, without hitting one. When the bike lane is just as congested as the road, you’re going to need to find a better way to the farmers’ market.

Hipster Hipster Transportation: Motorized Roller Blades

"With these, I can get places without expending any energy at all. It's like driving a car, except more ironic and dangerous."

Motorized roller blades have been around for a few years, but they haven’t really caught on because they’re a terrible idea. But these terrestrial jetpacks are the perfect way to get around for any true hipster. They’re ugly, hilarious and can reach speeds of up to 20 mph, meaning they have the added bones of being potentially deadly. It’s hard to get more hipster than death by ironic roller blade.

Hipster Facial Hair: Handlebar Mustache

"This mustache took me eight months to grow, and you're telling me it's not cool anymore?"

Sorry, Hipster Where’s Waldo, once something is featured in a light beer commercial, it can no longer be considered an underground trend. Luckily, I’ve got the solution to give you a jump on the next facial hair movement. If you start growing it out now, you may get there before Miller Lite makes an ad about it.

Hipster Hipster Facial Hair: Unibrow

"No, man, your mustache is fine, it kust kind of seems like you're trying a little too hard. I guess I'm just not into that. I actually don't like to try at all."

It’s easy. It’s ugly. And it makes a statement. The unibrow tells people that not only do you not put any effort into how you look, you don’t even own a mirror. And that, my friends, is hard to compete with.

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2 Responses to Hipster Predictions: New trends for people who hated everything before it was cool to hate everything

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