Biggest Loser Season 12: Maybe these people will turn out hot (Episodes 1-2)

I’ve got a few shows that are admitted guilty pleasures. They fall into two categories:

1) Shows that revolve around food, and

2) Shows in which people try to avoid food.

Chances are you watch at least a few of these shows. But if you live in a major metropolitan area, one show you definitely do not watch is Biggest Loser. But hark, Hamsterdam is here for you! For seven years, a team of all-star trainers has taken unhealthy, often morbidly obese people and moved them towards a healthier life style. By each season’s finale, most contestants have lost 80-100 pounds and turned their lives around. And almost 50% of them keep the weight off (that’s like hitting .500 in AA-ball!).

The easiest way to win over the plaque-encrusted hearts of America is through looks of frustration and disbelief.

This season, we have a Battle of the Ages, and contestants have been separated into groups I’ve dubbed the Young Jeezys (Under 30), The Middle Ages (30-49), and The Golden Oldies (50 and over). We also have two new trainers to replace Jillian’s canned anger: mildly threatening celebrity trainer Dolvett Quince, and tennis star personality Anna Kournikova. But don’t forget why we’re here: we have contestants to be oggled. These people are quite beautiful on the inside, but it takes a superficial blog like Hamsterdam to peel away the layers and tell you who will be hot to trot.

Age is nothing but a number you are forced to wear on an oversized shirt.

Episode 1 Recap: Hey, look everyone is here! Nice intro to several contestants with sad life stories, as well as Anna Kournikova’s tight pants. Players had a one-mile run walk  saunter through a desert to choose trainers. The Middle Ages finished first and claimed Bob as their prize (good choice). The Young Jeezys came in second and choose Dolvett. The Golden Oldies got stuck with Anna. Most contestants dropped lots of weight, but after the weigh-in Debbie (60) revealed that she was frustrated with Bonnie (63) for losing very little weight and crying incessantly. Debbie is also black, which is a great way to get kicked off the show early. I wish that was a joke. I really do.

So you're saying...the LOSERS got stuck with her? Not sure if serious...

Episode 2 Recap: Players were thrown into a room for a doughnut temptation to earn workout timeslots. John (40) polished off 37 donuts in 3 minutes, which was embarrassing, yet inspiring. This power move earned The Middle Ages the 5am workout for the week, where Sunny (41) was confirmed to be as dumb as a rock, just as John pointed out. The Golden Oldies got the 12pm time slot, where Johnny (65) has quickly established himself as this season’s annoying Bostonian. The Young Jeezys got the late 9pm workout. Jessica (26) divulged that she had a bad 6-year relationship, which in essence is any relationship that goes for 6 years. Like any good 2nd episode, Doctor Huizenga dropped in and delivered some turds of medical truth.

"You're carrying 150 extra pounds of fat, which is weird, because you have AIDS."

Challenge: Oversized Marble Labyrinth (need to get myself one of these for my backyard)

Sizing Up the Meat:

The Golden Oldies have a a hidden jem in Becky (50), whose sneers are a must-see, even if she’s about 7 weeks away from taught jaw muscles. Patrick (25) of kind smiles and awful soul patches could be a stud. But my odds-on favorite right now is Jennifer (39), who has a bad leg and a 32% chance of becoming diabetic in the next several years. Sell it, sister.

Shameless Product Plug of the Week: Yoplait Light yogurt, red velvet flavor. You’ll almost forget that you’re eating a creamed sour discharge full of bacteria.

Eliminated contestants: Debbie (episode 1), Johnny (episode 2)

Well, one less annoying accent to deal with. Tune in next week for big people getting beautiful. Pith and snacks will be provided.

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2 Responses to Biggest Loser Season 12: Maybe these people will turn out hot (Episodes 1-2)

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