I was laid-off last week. I knew it was coming, so I looked it at as an opportunity: I’d sign up for welfare and spend a little time relaxing before I got too bogged down in finding new work. I’d catch up on my reading and knock some items off my to-do list that I’m too busy/lazy to do when I’m employed. Well, it turns out I’m too lazy to do them when I’m unemployed too. Instead, I’ve been drifting listlessly from unproductive activity to unproductive activity. It’s pretty fun. But I’ve also done some things that didn’t turn out to be as fun as my employed-self imagined they would be.
Yeah right. People should be volunteering to help ME.
Neglect Personal Hygiene
I felt pressured to be clean-cut when I was employed. After my last day of work, I woke up in the morning and was so hungover I hated myself. But after the self-hatred faded I realized that I don’t have to waste my precious time doing things like showering, shaving, or wearing clean clothes anymore. So I didn’t. For the first few days it was pretty liberating. I also had that cool, gritty look going like Thomas Jane in Arrested Development.
But after that I quickly realized my appearance was quickly devolving to hipster, then to homeless, and onward to Pigpen.
Showering turned out not to be just propaganda started by the soap lobby.
In a nutshell, geocaching is where someone hides something but puts its GPS coordinates online. Other people use those coordinates to find it. Usually it’s just little notes to and from the various people who find it. I thought it sounded fun, and since I was already spending my time walking around aimlessly it seemed like a great fit. But I’m convinced that the people who hide these geocaches are just playing a sick joke on the rest of us. The first two I tried to find were very close to people’s houses. Imagine you are at home and you see a guy who clearly hasn’t showered in days poking around your property. I quickly gave up searching after seeing people give me the “yeah I just called the police” squint.
I punched the coordinates for a third one into my phone’s GPS and it led me to a Post Office. So my prospects had just gone from trespassing on private property to trespassing on federal property. No thanks. TFTC, asshole.
I know I’m not alone, thousands of other handsome young professionals have found themselves without work in recent years. I heard about websites where people like us could perform simple tasks for companies and receive compensation, all from the comfort of our own homes. Sounds great, right? Well the problem is that the compensation for the tasks generally ranges from 10 to 50 cents, and some of them are pretty time-consuming, so you’re lucky to even make $1 an hour. I know times are tough, but that seems low even by Of Mice and Men standards. And you get the sense that some of these tasks aren’t all for wholesome of savory purposes, or are just helping people with their homework. When I came across one that said “find the address of bloggers,” I logged off and burned my computer.
Write a Novel
You hear all the time about someone who gets tired of working for a living, writes some awful novel, and then get rich thanks to dumb teenagers, sentimental females, or dumb sentimental female teenagers.
I always seemed to have good ideas for novels (and movies based on those novels) pop into my head, so now that I have unlimited free time I could finally put them down to paper and watch the millions roll in.
Well, it turns out that not just any idiot can write a novel. I might be creative enough to come up with some interesting concepts, but fleshing them out beyond two poorly-written pages proved to be more difficult than I expected. Also, when I started thinking about them further, I realized most of my “great” ideas were just rip-offs of things that already existed. And my few original ideas don’t have mass appeal. The Geocache Killer is just going to have to wait until the public is ready for it. Homeless Dad on the other hand..