Ten Men’s Halloween Costumes Guaranteed Not to Get You Laid

Unlike childbirth and lifting heavy objects using just our upper body strength, Halloween is one instance where women have it easier. Over the years, it has become acceptable to throw on some underwear, head to the bars and drunkenly explain you’re former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, and no one thinks twice about it.

For men, however, it’s a different story. You guys must walk a narrow line between funny and attractive. You have to stand out, but not in a bad way. It’s a tricky night for you, so I’d like to help you avoid some pitfalls. Let’s discuss ten costumes that I’m pretty confident will not get you laid on Halloween.

10. Hot Dog

What you think it says: “I’m a fun guy with a good sense of humor.”

What it says to women: “I’m going to make wiener jokes all night long.”

9. Theatrical Quality Vampire Costume

What you thinkĀ  it says: “I’m dark and sexy.”

What it says to women: “I’ve read all the Twilight books.”

8. Mammogram Machine

What you think it says: “I am so clever and funny and I am definitely going to touch a boob tonight.”

What it says to women: “And now I’ve just reminded you of your grandmother’s breast cancer.”

7. Green Lantern

What you think it says: “I’m a sexy superhero who reminds you of Ryan Reynolds in low light.”

What it says to women: “If I manage to corner you, I am going to tell you everything that movie got wrong about the comic book.”

6. InCogneato, from A Clockwork Orange

What you think it says: “I have great taste in movies.”

What it says to women: “There’s a good chance I’m going to rape you.”

5. Plus Size Deluxe Spock Costume

What you think this says: “I’m OK with embracing my nerdy side on Halloween.”

What this says to women: “I sleep in this costume.”

4. The Drill Master

What you think this says: “I am the life of the party who is going to be a hit on the dance floor.”

What this says to women: “The drunker I get, the more dangerous dancing with me is going to become.”

3. Darth Maul

What you think it says: “I love Halloween and I get really into it because I like to have fun.”

What it says to women: “After my third Captain and coke, I’m going to start showing off my light saber skills and accidentally hit you in the eye. When the bouncers ask me to leave the bar, none of my friends will come with me.”

2. “Longuini and Meatballs”

What you think it says: “Get it? Get it? You get it.”

What this says to women: “And guess who just ruined pasta for you forever.”

1. Killer Clown

What you think it says: “Halloween is a time to be scary, and so I’m going all out.”

What it says to women: “Hi, I am literally your worst nightmare and I’d like to buy you a drink.”

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2 Responses to Ten Men’s Halloween Costumes Guaranteed Not to Get You Laid

  1. Pingback: Ten Women’s Halloween Costumes Guaranteed to Get You Laid |

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