Black Friday is the worst, can we not vote on this?

A hearty welcome to all our racists out there that were drawn in by googling  select words from the title. You are disgusting, wretched people, but I would be more than happy to take your pages views and/or money.

With just minutes left until November 25th, Hamsterdam is ready to kick back with a cold one and watch the bottoming out of America courtesy of Black Friday. Doorbusters! Midnight specials galore! GET PUMPED, PEOPLE!

Hell, Wal-Mart let the sweaty masses in two hours ago. What’s the hold up? Why are we not cramming into the Nissan? Oh…yea, you’re holding out, and not because Sears doesn’t open until 7am. I think I know why.

1. Smart purchases

Drugs would make this so much more fun.

Did you see that Home Depot has an LG Electronics Wave Series 4.5 cu. ft. Ultra Capacity High-Efficiency Top Load Washer in Graphite Steel for only $799? That’s $300 off! Don’t front cause I know you were also making googly eyes at it too. Damn, I want a top load washer in the worst way. It’s a necessity at this point, I just didn’t know that until I saw it advertised. I can’t think of a more crucial investment to replace the working washer in my apartment provided by the management company. Graphite steel is to ultra capacity washers what Dirk Diggler was to…well, alliterations. Maslow is lucky he didn’t have this back in the 1940s or his pyramid would have been fucked. What a machine.

2. See the best in others (I always assume it’s their best)

Okay so last year I roll up to the local Kohl’s and there are at least 400 people waiting outside at 4am in the freezing cold and I’m thinking “Wow! I can’t believe all these people had the same great idea!” Doors open and I witness many a chivalrous action: overweight moms expressing themselves in the loudest voices possible, to ensure that everyone can hear each other; an old man pushed away from what could well have been an extremely dangerous doorway; young kids lining the hard, cold ground to protect the delicate feet of nearby adults. It’s 4am mornings like this that let you know you’re alive. I’m swimming in a sea of humanity, and I don’t plan on coming out until my fingers are nice and wrinkly.

3. Everybody’s working for the weekend

I like seeing kids with initiative. Life doesn’t come easy, and neither does their Target paycheck. Overtime? Not if this is for hours 16 through 20 of your week, bucko! Watching these young service representatives stock shelves and man cash registers makes my heart swell with pride. I cheer them on as they get reamed out by angry parents for not having enough of some random piece of shit. The service industry is a great place to cut your teeth, in that cutting teeth is a necessary first step in being fitting into slot #5 of 12 of your very own human centipede (so says wikipedia). You just know that they’re going to grow from these experiences, and come out happier, healthier people for it.

4. Savings

Nice hooters.

Math is my weak point, but I did some calculations, and it turns out my 10 hour wait outside of Best Buy in 2008 was a well worth it. That day I bought a fourth generation, 4 GB iPod Nano, saving me $31 over the regular price. Four weeks later, my younger brother received it for Christmas. He almost cried from excitement, though the tears turned to those of frustration and anger, once he learned that I was dating his ex. We still don’t speak to this day. But a great purchase nonetheless. Just wish I hadn’t spent 10 hours in line.

5. The Internet

This is actually how it works, you Luddite.

Wait…you can get most of the same deals online? …shit.

Well, happy shopping people that are determined to continue this embarrassing display of marketing and capitalism. At least work off some of that turkey by doing a few laps around Ikea. Hope you survive. Or not. Either way, really.

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One Response to Black Friday is the worst, can we not vote on this?

  1. Ripatranzone says:

    I don’t think we even need a vote.

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