Season’s Greetings to readers out there. Over the years Christmas has gotten many a facelift thanks to commercialism and those nasty pagans. A lot of the traditions have gone by the wayside, such as the Calennig, or the burning of Old Winter, represented by a carving of an old woman’s face. Who knows why these traditions died out – obviously both were quite reasonable.
Christmas needs some reworking lest it goes the way of St. Basil. To promote holiday efficiency, Hamsterdam will be streamlining the 12 days into a more compact five-day affair. New presents for each day, ya dig? And if you don’t like it, I will leave a potato in your shoe.
Day 1: I Will Give You the Bird
We don’t want to deviate from everything old people hold dear (at least for the first few years), so Day 1 is dedicated to our avian friends. We can’t sneak them into the country to give as exotic gifts anymore, which is how we ended up with this bird problem in the first place. First matter of business: we need better birds. Swans, geese, and calling birds are the Sony Walkman of the season – they might have been acceptable 30 years ago, but they don’t even pass for retro in this day and age. We’re going with the Lazuli Bunting and the Aplomado Falcon, both infinitely cooler by any measure. Talk about an upgrade!
We’ll even throw in a special appearance from the Ivory-billed Woodpecker, effectively extinct since 1944 but making a rare comeback appearance with Jeff Mangum at 285 Kent.
Day 2: EGOTing
Plain-ass golden rings got you down? We sold most of ours to CASH4GOLD months ago, but Hamstedam kept our EGOT necklaces to remind ourselves of our general awesomeness. We suggest that Day Dos be dedicated to EGOT. Because if Christmas isn’t about composing one great new Christmas song with your family, a song whose success will get it featured on a T.V. show, and then a movie based on that T.V. show, then a Broadway play based on that movie, then there probably isn’t a deeper meaning to the holidays at all.
Day 3: Unlimited Breads
How good is bread? According to me, good enough to earn Day 3 of Christmas. It’s a miracle food, a cure for any and every ill, and I’ve seen enough over-the-counter medication commercials on Telemundo to recognize it as such.
It can be sweet or savory, thick or thin, doughy or crispy. Bread bread bread in my mouth. It’s so good Jesus becomes it every Sunday. You can eat bread the entire day without getting fat or making friends. And you can even share some with those damn birds if you want them around for another day. Certainly an upgrade over a lord of leaping, unless we’re specifically talking Dick Fosbury.
Day 4: Sexmas
What, all this talk of bread and extinct birds hasn’t gotten you in the mood?
Day 5: Kids – Give ’em hell.
Lest everyone forget what this holiday is about, Christmas is a time of giving. The best present one can give is laughter and cheer. And nothing gives me more laughter and cheer than making kids miserable. Hamsterdam recommends that people everywhere make kids lives extra awful this holiday season, whether it’s through overpromising of presents or ignoring them during holiday parties or eating all of the bread in front of them. Extra points if any of this is done while wearing a Santa suit. So far, my coworker is winning this year by promising his daughter a dog and not delivering. Well played, friend, well played!
See now, that wasn’t too bad. Do we really need 12 days, with all those unnecessary gifts? I think five days of unnecessary gifts works just fine. Enjoy the season, and please, pass the bread.