Foods you can’t eat without becoming an asshole.

“Nothing makes me feel like more of an asshole than saying the word ‘quinoa’ out loud to another human being.” –outspokenslacktivist

OH REALLY, fellow blogger? How about eating it?

Spanish for "unwanted bird seed".

I like eating, I do it three times a day, sometimes seven. I like writing about it almost as much, especially since writing doesn’t give me spicybutt. But you have to exercise caution about what you eat. There are a couple foods out there that make you an asshole, no matter how you dress it up.

1. Popcorn

You've been hit by, you've been struck by, that burnt popcorn smell.

Have three and a half minutes and a microwave? Congrats, everyone hates you. It’s tough to be smelly, loud, and bland all at the same time without formally changing  your name to [politician that you hate]. Ooh, timely humor! You have to just accept that everyone is going loathe you, so you might as well really char it, too. Set off a few fire alarms if possible.

2. Wine

Nature's proliteriat that you crush below your feet.

Want to learn how to distinguish between notes of mahogany and hints of orange? The easy way to do this is to spray your armoire with Pledge and then give it a lick. You can also spend time and money drinking wine instead. It’s not eating, but feel free to move your teeth up and down to simulate the motion. Whether you’re choosing Malbec or MadDog, you’ll look like a jerk as the glass bottle reaches your lips and is tipped gently upward.

3. Doritos

The collision between remorse and self-hatred.

Hey, I haven’t had Doritos in nearly a year. Maybe just a few. No, this time will be different, I won’t get cheese all over my fingers. My breath will be fine. I’ll feel great.  12 hours from now, I won’t be pooping glass. In all seriousness, if you could graph a cost-benefit analysis of eating Doritos over a 24-hour time frame, it would look like a middle finger.

4. Gourmet cupcakes

Here, eat this pomegranate cake with mascarpone frosting, and don’t be the object of everyone’s seething hate and malice. I triple dog dare you.

5. Asian Slaw

It’s not often that you can throw a bunch of cheap ingredients together AND be considered a racist, but Asian coleslaw affords one the opportunity. Cabbage and carrots are common ingredients in a plenty of Chinese, Korean, or Thai dishes…but no, your thought some broken pieces of ramen would “kick it up another level”.  Here’s a thought: after you cut up a few raw vegetables, don’t add 25 cents worth of uncooked noodles to the dish. This is about as white trash as it gets. I don’t think I can look you in the eye after this. Ah screw it, you better have at least added the flavor packet.

Hope you could get through the whole post without sucking the cream filling out of a Twinkie. Have a safe and happy New Year’s.

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