You spent your weekend on the couch and your teams lost (you talk in second person).

Things happened in sports this weekend, but you were too busy to watch (it is tough to look away from the trainwreck in New Hampshire). Luckily, Hamsterdam is here with a quick recap. Like that baby-thing in Eraserhead, we’ll take a stab at unwrapping all of this mess.

I bet only one of these guys was involved in sports growing up (Newt was a football in his former life).


1. Giants score American-football points, Falcons score European-football points.

I cannot stop looking at Eli's helmet.

Another year, another slate of crappy NFL Wild Card games. Who didn’t see this one coming? The Giants scored 24 points on three touchdowns and a field goal, while the Falcons put up 2 points, neither of which came off a drop kick. This is made infinitely more pathetic when coupled with the following facts:

  • The Giants have a defense anchored by Mark Reynolds and coached by Mike D’Antoni.
  • The Redskins beat them twice.

The adjusted score should read Giants 24, Giants -2. I feel like Atlanta drop-kicked 3 hours of my life away. Now we get another week of listening to New York fans. Awesome. Great. Thanks Atlanta!


2. College Basketball has upsets, nobody takes notice.

Even this action shot looks boring as fuck.

Wow, talk about a sport that lacks headliners. This weekend we saw the No. 6, 8, 9, 10, 14, 16, 19 and 20 teams all fall…but sadly, it has become the sport for whom I feel nothing.  I think the problem goes back to starpower. I can’t name a player on any one of these teams. Not one! What other sport can you think of (besides lame-ass soccer) where a third of the best teams don’t have a household name? College football certainly doesn’t suffer from this problem. From now on, I’m just calling this sport The Hangover, because I don’t remember anything that happened, but I’m sure they’ll come out with another one next year with the same premise.


3. Wizards (0-8) not particularly reflective of any DJ Khaled songs.

Yep, that about sums up the season.

Most casual to moderate NBA fans out there spend little time reviewing every team, primarily focusing on whether the Thunder or Lakers won the previous night. Even big-time fans will rush through box scores and say to themselves, “Wow, another awful start by the ever-moribund Wizards”. Wrong again, Bucko! In case you don’t follow the Wizards, they have already produced the following lowlights:

  • Lost all their games (by an average of 12 points)
  • Received a technical on a dunk (lead league in technicals)
  • Called for goaltending…on a free-throw
  • Received refusal of their selfless, team-first veteran to play
  • May or may not have appointed Andray Blatche as team captain
  • Attempted to sub in a player not on a game-day roster.

In a league where Amazing Happens, it’s amazing to think all of this has occurred within two weeks. The team motto? It had something to do with a hard hat a few weeks ago, but it’s got to be “This is nuts!” by now.  I just want everyone to appreciate how bad this Wizards team could be. If you have two hours this week, tune in, strap on your hard hat, and watch this band of misfits make its run at history.


4. Soccer fans: racist.

Not faking.

Fact: MLK led the fight against soccer until his untimely death. Be less racist by supporting other sports.


5. Chris Leak leads Broncos to thrilling victory.

All I do is Leak.

Saving the best for last, the Broncos shocked the favorite Pittsburgh Steelers, 29-23, in a thrilling overtime victory on Sunday. Chris Leak, the most worshiped and despised player in the NFL, connected with Demaryius Thomas on an 80-yard catch-and-run on the first play of overtime. It seems Pittsburgh tried to play it safe on the run and underestimated Leak, who is well-known for his pinpoint passing accuracy but limited mobility. After the play, Leak clenched his fist and raised his right leg at a 35 degree angle, executing his quasi-religious pose NFL fans have termed “Leaking”.

Man, I really feel like I learned something. Hopefully the feeling doesn’t linger. Enjoy the Championship game tonight. Hopefully the SEC can break through and establish itself as a big-time conference.

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2 Responses to You spent your weekend on the couch and your teams lost (you talk in second person).

  1. Very interesting take on things, thanks for adding some laughs to all the time I wasted watching sports.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Well done. I will be leaking everywhere.

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