Hamsterdam is not just a blog about sports, food, and our own self-absorption . We occasionally take time to write about other self-absorbed, powerful people, and compare them to food. And today is looking brighter.
The talk o’ the nation the past few months has been the Republican Primaries. Almost 45% of the American public has been desperate to find someone to replace Obama, with another 46% preferring to stick with him and the other 9% just hoping for a good defenestration to rival that of 1618. In these dangerous times, one of the few things we can count on is that all of these candidates are more or less like something we’d find in the pantry.
Mitt Romney: Can of Evaporated Milk
Sometimes I run, out of no particular fault of my own, and then I get home and I want something cold and frothy. Milk meets these requirements. Evaporated milk does not. I don’t know who decided to can milk in the first place, but I hope they were canned soon afterward. Is there anything likeable about evaporated milk? Off-white, uninspiring, tepid (yet not warm), and yet it will somehow outlast everything else. I’ve never wanted evaporated milk. Not even 25% wanted it. Evaporated milk will do anything to get thrown into a cake recipe. I don’t care if it looks like I should use it, I just can’t trust it.
Rick Santorum: Pickled asparagus
drunk and want really in the mood for asparagus. It’s a real-ass vegetable and it tastes delicious between my large teeth. It is also one of the bigger assholes of the vegetable family because it can make your pee smell, and the berries are highly poisonous. You better know what you’re getting into before taking a bite. If I’m browsing through my pantry and it’s 1am and my self esteem hasn’t risen too high, a jar of pickled asparagus hits the spot. But I never actually want pickled asparagus – it’s just that it seems like a better option than evaporated milk.
Ron Paul: Cornbread mix
Do you have a cornbread friend? You bring a dish to a potluck and one of your friends brings their own cornbread. They made it themselves and they will tell you so. To be nice, you take a bite and you make that strained smile and say “mmmm!” while thinking to yourself, “Is this person an invalid? This tastes like a hot loaf of remorse.” Don’t get me wrong, cornbread is great at times. But do you really want cornbread more than once a month, tops? Think about eating that shit everyday. Yea, not such a treat anymore. Cornbread.
Rick Perry: Albacore tuna (6 months past expiration)
What happened? Just last summer this tuna looked like a winner. Now it stinks to high heaven. Seriously, honey, don’t bother recycling the can, it smells like a rotting walrus in here. I don’t care, the environment will survive from one can. Get it out of here.
Newt Gingrich: Fig Newtons
Fig Newtons are great if you want a dessert that isn’t particularly sweet yet somewhat fatty. So it may not actually qualify as a dessert. Or even a food. Or likeable. Blah, I can’t believe I even wasted time and money on this thing. Fruit-filled cookies might be good as a concept, but this exhibits no redeeming qualities.
Unfortunately for the remaining candidates I’m not sure if I have bland enough food left over to compare them to. Tune in next time as I attack the freezer and attempt to achieve the classic “Joe Biden ice cream headache”.