Readers, I have some sobering news for those of you going without alcohol for 40 days: Lent is upon us. I hope you got in your fair share of mild revelry at your local bar, because the next 6 weeks are going to be hella lame, much like the use of the phrase ‘hella lame”.
A tradition has evolved over the years of foregoing some thing for the duration of Lent, in remembrance of Jesus getting trolled hardcore by the Devil for 40 days in the desert. Each Spring, it seems like I can always count on a few tried and true Lenten vows – my sister giving up sweets, my uncle giving up swearing, or Dan Snyder giving up Redskins draft picks. Everyone except Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush seems to be on board.
That said, I don’t like the idea of anyone really suffering for the whole 40 days. So I’ve come up with a few things that I think you can use instead, because chances are you’ll be white girl wasted and crushing that box of Thin Mints in about 72 hours.
One time they made this movie called 40 Days and 40 Nights and it starred Josh Hartnett and I identified with it very heavily because my life was A LOT like Josh’s with a secret abstinence vow and girls chasing after me and, you know, Hollywood shit. I still identify with Josh these days because it is 10 years later and I am fat. Zero sex is one of the best Lenten vows you can make because it doesn’t make you look desperate for attention. It is merely a means of communicating that you, a strapping young man in your prime years, can somehow control your urges while women throw themselves at you. Because Lord knows they do. Movie plots like this make you realize that life can be really hard sometimes.
If you go out to clubs or the gym or the grocery store then chances are you listen to dubstep. You are really into that part in any song where the bass drops and sometimes you make jokes like “I bet Tweety Bird wub wub wubs dubstep!” but I forgive you. Dubstep is 2012’s Limp Bizkit. I know I’ll appreciate it more in 8-10 years since I’ll be able to listen to it somewhat ironically then. But for now it would be totally worth it to go 40 days without hearing that shit.
Jesus didn’t comment on anybody’s status for 40 days and I think I am capable of the same. Despite only 140 characters of freedom, I find twitter infinitely more interesting than facebook these days. Or maybe it’s because I only have to read up to 140 characters at a time and it’s tough to fit in too much inane babble with those space limitations. Facebook is a platform that thrives on annoyance. It caters to it better than anything I can remember, which only goes about as far back as yesterday’s lunch. Ooh, I liked that line. I smell a status update!
Why only 40 days?
I dunno, even in my churchgoing days I never felt especially moved by this season. Jesus endured physical and spiritual hardships…so I’m going to avoid cookies for a few weeks? Seems a little trivial and misguided. I feel like there has to be a better way of demonstrating repentance and self-denial, and once I zip up my gimp mask, I’ll be ready to do so.
Well, if I decide to give up blogging, at least I’ll have another 40 days to regret this post. I’d like all our readers to start working on those Peeps dioramas. But don’t eat any in case you gave up puffed sugar for Lent. Because that would be delicious.