The Bachelor Power Rankings: Week 9

We’re down to the final three.  Ben and the girls head to Switzerland to visit Mitt Romney’s secret bank accounts.

-First up is Nicki.  They take a helicopter around the Alps to see some scenic views of the mountains and glaciers.  Isn’t that how a Kennedy died? Not one of the famous ones, I don’t need to be reminded about how they died.  And it wasn’t the one they lobotomized. It was one of the ones you don’t hear about as much. I don’t think the Alps were involved though. This is how boring their date is, that I’m running through dead Kennedys in my head.   I’m sure having hot chocolate on top of a mountain overlooking a great landscape with someone to make out with is pretty great when you’re actually there, but it doesn’t make for compelling television.  After leaving the mountain, they head to a rustic cabin for dinner.  Nicki asks Ben how many kids he wants. Ben is sufficiently satisfied with their back and forth on that issue that he invites her to the FANTASY SUITE, which she giddily accepts.  Great start for Ben.

-Next is Lindzi.  Ben takes her rappelling down a rock face.  Hey Ben, remember when she said she didn’t like heights but you made her jump into the big blue hole? Sure, I get it, you want to test her adventuresome spirit.  But you did that already. Now you’re just being cruel.  Lindzi gives us what, by my count, is our 597th “this date is just like a relationship” analogy.  Definitely, Lindzi, you have to take risks, you have to rely on each other, and if it goes wrong you get trapped and have to saw your arm off with a cheap utility knife. After surviving that ordeal they go to a hot tub and to dinner, where Lindzi talks some more about the heartbreak that her ex-boyfriend caused.  Lindzi continues to let her guard though down, and tells Ben that she’s falling for him.  This gets her a FANTASY SUITE invite, which she accepts.  Still batting 1.000!

-Finally, Ben takes Courtney on a “Swiss date.”  Which evidently involves riding a train, which Ben finds very romantic.  I’m sure it is when you’re taking a train through picturesque villages in the Alps.  But what about public transportation here in America?

I will never get Amber Lamps in the fantasy suite

I have to admit, even though it is easy to envision Courtney as a hateful succubus, when she was with Ben on this date she looked so happy that she was glowing. It was almost like she actually has a soul.  Their picnic gets a little awkward when they broach the subject of Courtney’s rivalries with the other girls, as Ben still seems a little concerned about it.  They hash it out some more over dinner in a wine cellar and Ben seemed either satisfied or drunk enough to offer her the FANTASY SUITE invite.  And Ben goes three for three!  That, ladies and gentleman, qualifies him to be “on fire” in NBA JAM

Ben is the 1994 Scottie Pippen of The Bachelor

So I think it is only fair to wildly speculate on how things went down once the cameras left the fantasy suite.  Here’s my quick rundown:

Nicki– She seemed very eager but very nervous, she said something about how long it had been since her divorce. They looked a little awkward in the hot tub too.  One word assessment:  disappointment.

Lindzi– The contrast between Nicki and Lindzi entering the fantasy suite was like night and day. Lindzi gave the standard “I don’t usually do this, but…”  and then was ready to go.  One word assessment: Cowgirl.

Courtney– She’s been gunning for the fantasy suite for several weeks, and immediately pointed out to Ben the bearskin rug and the fireplace.  I don’t think Courtney would wilt under the pressure.  One word assessment:

-Kacie B shows up to have a heart to heart.  Bad timing after Ben just spent a week plowing the competition.  These visits happen with some regularity on this show and I wonder- do they have to pay their own way or does ABC let them have a free European vacation for a 10 minute conversation? Kacie has shown up to ask Ben “why?”  This is what drunk texts are for, Kacie.  In history, in ALL of human history, has the “why???” conversation ever given anyone a satisfactory answer?  Ben basically confirms that he was put off by her religious family and the fact that she wasn’t a slam dunk in the fantasy suite. Kacie decides to be a good sport and throw a few daggers at Courtney on her way out.  Ben seems unfazed and more than a little annoyed, Kacie walks away crying yet again.

-In the final rose ceremony of the season, Lindzi and Courtney make it through to the finals.  These two have seemed like the strongest contenders for several weeks now, so this isn’t much of a surprise.  You have to feel for Nicki, though.

Best Moment:  Ben gives Lindzi the key to the fantasy suite and says “it’s the key to my heart.”  At least he’s honest.

Worst Moment:  Ben and Nicki are building a snowman, Ben remarks “we should give him a Swiss name-  Hans.”  This is the guy that all of these beautiful women have been fighting over for the last 9 weeks.

BOLD ADMISSION:  I’m not doing power rankings this week.  Should I change the title of this post?  Nah.  The finale is in two weeks so I need some time to mull this over and watch the tantalizing previews before making my final prediction.

Next week they bring back all of the girls eliminated up to this point and let them trash each other and Courtney.  It will be must-see TV.

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One Response to The Bachelor Power Rankings: Week 9

  1. JDawg says:

    You definitely Albert Pujolsed the past two weeks

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