The Bachelor Power Rankings: The Women Tell All

Are you ready…to be TOLD ALL?!?!

That’s right, tonight we bring back all of the drunks, the bloggers, the sore losers, the scrapbookers, and the heartbroken to get grilled by Chris Harrison and each other.

Before I get to tonight’s events, can I ask what Chris Harrison did to get his job? He gets to travel around the world to exotic locations and so far as I can tell his job consists of: 1) Telling people that there’s only one rose left, 2) confronting people who come on the show for the wrong reasons, and 3) asking obvious questions in these reunion shows. I personally think I would make a MUCH better Chris Harrison than Chris Harrison.  Screw being the “Bachelor,” I want to be Chris Harrison.  Delusions of grandeur aside, here’s some highlights from tonight:

-Blakely is confronted for not making friends.  One of the girls I don’t remember (Samantha) yells at Blakely like she ran over her dog.  Blakely is unapologetic about slutting it up on occasion.  Samantha was pretty annoying tonight.  She was a total non-factor in the show itself (as evidenced by the fact that she never appeared in these power rankings), but tonight she had to chime in on every single person.  To quote a great philosopher, shut your mouth and know your role.  We aren’t tuning in to hear what Samantha has to say, dummy.

-Amazing revisionist history from Brittney, the girl who brought her grandmother on the first night and who decided to leave rather than go on a date.  “I wasn’t attracted to Ben at all, and my time is precious to me, so I left.”  I’m paraphrasing, but that is basically what she said.  That has to go down in history with “I didn’t want that job anyway” and “I wrote that blog post while drunk” as some of the most obvious after-the-fact excuse making I’ve ever heard.

-“America is still buzzing about the night Shawntel showed up.”  Really? I spend all day reading blog posts and message board threads about The Bachelor to see if anyone is producing competing power rankings, and I haven’t seen much Shawntel talk. The girls collectively tell the biggest lie ever told on television, that they wouldn’t have reacted so negatively to her arrival if she’d just introduced herself.

-What is with Jaclyn’s face?

-Blakely points out the delicious irony that Courtney called her a stripper, but then later that same episode took (or stripped) off her clothes in front of Ben and the cameras. I started to think that maybe I didn’t give her enough credit, but then I remembered the scrapbook.

-Emily regrets calling out Courtney, but really doesn’t when you listen to her words.  That interview seemed like they might be setting her up for a turn at Bachelorette.  For the rest of the show I was loving her facial expressions when Courtney was mentioned.

-I was really expecting one of them to say that they’re already engaged to another dude, but neither Kacie nor Nicki are over Ben.

-Speaking of not over Ben, poor Jamie.  She throws herself at Ben even more awkwardly than she did that night she awkwardly threw herself at him.

-COURTNEY.  She’s here to face the music.  And face it she does.  The girls rip into her, and to her credit she sat there and took it.  It did seem like she could have been on some heavy anti-anxiety medicine though.  Her eyes were so glazed and she seemed so calm, it was like Mr. Burns in that X-Files themed Simpsons episode.

She seemed remorseful and apologetic, but there’s blood in the water and these girls are sharks.  Nurse sharks.  Courtney cries, but most of the girls still seem skeptical and continue their attacks. I’m a little divided.  I think Courtney was probably somewhat the victim of selective editing; all of the girls probably talked shit on each other but they aired more of Courtney’s comments to play her up as the villain.  On the other hand, I think she was mostly crying crocodile tears. It was clear from day one that she was there to win and she didn’t care who she had to shove out of the way to get there. If she did in fact win, I doubt she’s very remorseful about what she did to get that ring.

-The show ends with Ben coming out to let some of the girls ask “WHY?!?!?!?”  See, Kacie, you didn’t have to fly all the way to Switzerland to have live, face-to-face drunk text conversation.

FINAL PREDICTION:  I was torn before this week, but I’m now totally convinced that Courtney wins.  Tonight looked like a big play for sympathy from Courtney, and I don’t think she’d care what America thinks about her if she didn’t win.  The previews for next week also portrayed Lindzi in a really positive light and made it seem like there is doubt about Courtney.  I follow the 24 rule when it comes to previews for next week:  always go with the opposite of what they’re trying to make you think.

Courtney will win (and hopefully NOT say “winning“), America will sigh in disgust, and Ben will be on The Bachelor Pad in 13-15 months.

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