How a Skins fan deals with landing Robert Griffin III

Hey there, creeps! In case your twitter broke yesterday on the way to your google, you might have not heard the news, but the Redskins made headlines in the sports world with by throwing the kitchen sink at the St. Louis Rams. Words like “unbelievable” and “blockbuster” are being bandied about, sometimes in the same sentence, which is very strange to me when they’re not separated by the words “how just 10 years ago we would wait in line for half an hour to rent an overpriced movie at”.

15 years ago, NFL Draft Trades were a great place to hang out on a Friday night and people watch.

Sports writing is not my forte, mainly because everyone else thinks it’s theirs. But this is too important of a topic to ignore, according to the number of status updates on facebook.

Hamsterdam: now your source for all the sports information you can afford.

Unfortunately, not many of you like sports, you big sissies, nor do you have a Redskins fan in your life. “But I cheer for the Skins win every Sunday!”,  a few of you yell at your computer. Ha! Then you DEFINITELY aren’t a real DC sports fan. When the Skins landed the trade for RGIII, you’d better believe that happiness was the last thing on a real fan’s mind. So please, allow me the opportunity to guide your fragile dingy along the vast ocean of Washington sports psychology. Just be sure to remember: any port in a storm.

Phase 1: Is this real life?

Actual fan after hearing news of the trade.

Robert Griffin III has been the apple of my eye for quite some time. I’ve long thought “in a perfect world, this is the guy I want as my QB”- basically since Robert Griffin I. It’s like setting your sights on a pastry at the local bakery, ordering it, then running to a dark, secret place and scarfing it down through a stream of tears and shame. Is this really happening? Have the stars aligned and the heavens parted? Can I be allowed this 3 minutes of unbridled pastry excitement before I suddenly regurgitate it back into my own hands?

Phase 2: Oh, shit. (Goodbye sarcasm)

I will miss you most of all, sarcastic outbursts.

Back in the 80s, the Redskins were really good at being really good. Luckily, as I came of age in the early 90s, things came to a grinding halt, and they really haven’t put together a quality season since. As a grown-ass man, you have to build a nice little personal shield of sarcasm and low expectations to get you through the lean sports years. I’m extremely proficient at doling out the pith with every loss. When the Skins lose, twitter and facebook win. “That’s so Redskins!” I like to say after my cat drops a steamy one about 4 feet from the litterbox. But what happens if the team becomes good? How will I handle this? I’ll have to learn how to feel again, which sounds like a lot of work, and I don’t think I’m quite ready for that.

Phase 3: Extreme Paranoia

I am crushing your head, my precious.

One of the best parts about being a Skins fan with low expectations is that the “destined to suck” philosophy and conspiracy theory are completely incompatible. You don’t have to worry about referee bribes or “league favorites” or your stars being targeted for injury because your owner and vice president of football operations were already busy injuring your expectations of every being good again. Also, you might have been the ones behind the whole targeting players for injury thing. Whoops! But with great power comes great paranoia. You don’t buy a new car without an alarm or telling your friends that if they even lay a finger on it their ass is grass. Congrats! In one instant, any semblance of enjoyment has been entirely replaced by greed. You’ve come a long way, Smeagol.

Phase 4: The Five Stages of Grief and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, shuffled together like a deck of pinochle cards.

Honestly Peter Jackson is just paying me to do this.

I’d rather someone just TELL ME how to feel at this point.

Phase 5: Just Enjoy Draft Day

I like how this guy was brought in to replace a guy that had the same name as the soup he endorsed: Chunky.

..because chances are this day will be the true highlight of RGIII’s career. When your team ponies up that many draft picks just to get a player, he can never live up to the billing. It doesn’t mean the team even wants to win – only that management is desperate to look like they want to win. Remember when Kenyon Martin was shipped to the Denver Nuggets for three future 1st round draft picks? Me neither. But it happened, and you can bet that sweet, rotund ass of yours that Nuggets management wasn’t sitting in a room saying “Hey, you know who will bring multiple championships to the City of Denver? Kenyon Martin!” Yes, that makes lots of sense.

Tune in Thursday, April 26 to the First Round and you might catch a brief glimpse of happiness in the faces of those losers attending the draft. Until then, make sure to remember that as long as Dan Snyder lives, there is still plenty of time to mess this thing up.

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