The Bachelor Power Rankings: Finale

That’s right, the finale.  We’ve arrived at The Decision.

Tonight we find out if Courtney tops Lebron as America’s favorite villain.

We’re in Zermatt, Switzerland!

Ben says that viewing the Matterhorn inspires him and erases all the doubts he has going into this.  I agree, when I see a giant mountain that has killed hundreds and hundreds of people it really makes me want to go make an honest woman out of that special somebody.

Be still, my heart

-Now it’s time for Lindzi and Courtney to run the gauntlet that is Ben’s family.  His mom and sister are in Switzerland and they seem like they have veto power, unlike the Federal Chancellor.  Swiss government jokes, I have a TON of them and am not afraid to use them.

-Lindzi is up first.  She is so nervous that she keeps dropping her silverware.  She did it several times.  In spite of that she walks away with mom and sister’s stamp of approval.

-Now it’s Courtney’s turn.  Both mom and sister react negatively to the word “model” from the word “go.”  Well, I guess I mean from the word “model.” Courtney reacts well to their skepticism, and she seems to win them over.

-Ben comes back for reactions, and they basically tell him to propose to Courtney.  So, that’s that then.  I guess there’s no need for the rest of this, let’s bring on Chris Harrison.

-Wait, what?  He’s taking Lindzi on a date skiing in the Alps. This seems unnecessary, especially because AGAIN I point out that she is afraid of heights. I would feel bad for Lindzi, but she once again says “this is just like a relationship, you never know what’s going to happen blah blah blah.”  WE GET IT, LINDZI.  EVERYTHING IS LIKE A RELATIONSHIP. I’m trying to think of what kind of date it would take for Lindzi to not see it as a metaphor for a relationship. Shopping at a flea market?  “It’s just like a relationship, you never know what you’re going to find where you least expect it.”  Mini-golf?  “It’s just like a relationship, you walk together to the very end.”  Bowling?  “It’s just like a relationship, sometimes you throw a gutter ball but if you keep trying you’ll knock those pins down while he eats nachos and downs a pitcher of beer.” [Those are the only three dates I have in my rotation.]

Lindzi again tells Ben that her guard is down.  They make out.  It was a good day

But Courtney still seems inevitable at this point.  Speaking of…

-Date time with Courtney, they’re going to the Italian border in a helicopter.  Ben says that there is a place where you could ski from Switzerland to Italy and Courtney says “oh yeah, I’ve heard of that.”  Don’t you hate people like that?  I’m people like that, but at least I can admit it. They go sledding, and make snow angels, and baby talk to each other. Baby talking couples are scum, I found myself hoping that when they sledded out of neutral Switzerland that the Italian police would capture them and throw them in jail for the baby talk. But, alas, it didn’t happen

Later Courtney reveals that she has made a SCRAPBOOK.  A SCRAPBOOK.  Ben reacts much more positively than he did to Blakely’s.  Sure, this scrapbook had complex sentences and was written in pen instead of crayon and cardboard paper. BUT IT IS STILL A SCRAPBOOK.  Call me a “square” if you wish, but I don’t scrapbook until marriage.  There’s some more disgusting baby talk and I went to take a swig of liquor because I couldn’t handle it. When I get back from my bottle of rum, they’re having a mini-fight that basically started because Courtney was trying to bait Ben into saying that he loves her. I’m not convinced that this is an issue.

-And here we are, Ben on top of a mountain waiting to dole out a rejection and a proposal.  Lindzi arrives first, which is never a good thing. Lindzi tells Ben how much she loves him and Ben’s response begins with “Uhhhhhhhhh.”  He rejects her.  It was hard to watch.  You’d think after Ashley put him through the same thing that he would let Lindzi save a little face by not putting her through this, but no. To her credit, Lindzi gives Ben the “if things don’t work out..” and then leaves.  She took it really well, usually at this point there is crying on par with me at the beginning of Up/end of Toy Story 3.  But Lindzi just had some tears well up and she left. Maybe she didn’t care, or maybe the ex-boyfriend that she talked about all season texted her that he’s ready to buy her a ticket home from Dumpsville

-Ben proposes to Courtney, she accepts, and they live happily ever after…

-Oh snap.  That is Ben, and that is Wishbone, but that is not Courtney.  AFTER THE FINAL ROSE, Ben and Courtney can’t quite confirm that they are still a couple.  But they both say they want to be together.  This honestly seems like one of the first conversations they’ve had in months.  In between the proposal and the end of the season has to be tough for any couple.  They’re no longer jet-setting, and they can’t go out in public because they don’t want to be spotted by tabloids.  But the fact that they haven’t talked much over the last few months? I don’t know if that bodes well for their future, but they reaffirm their love for each other at the end.  I suppose that only time will tell if they’ll have a love that will echo through the ages or if they’ll join the 99% of couples from this show that end up sending each other packing for dumpsville.

So that does it for this season.  Whether you’re a diehard fan of the show, a person forced to watch by a significant other, or someone who was trying to watch Cougar Town and got really confused, I hope you enjoyed the ride. Whatever your reason for watching, I think this show has a lesson for everyone:  skiing is just like a relationship.  Anyone who says “winning” too much is not trustworthy.

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