Things I am not better at 10 years after high school

High school is an admittedly awkward time for many of us, probably one of the toughest phases of your life. Remember Freshman year? Your body was changing, or as I discovered, “not changing”, and you had to adapt to an environment very foreign from the tiny middle school you were so used to. But man did the time ever fly. Four years later, you were already a sophomore and known as “The King” of your high school, in that you were voted most likely to overdose while saddling a toilet. If you could make it there, you could make it anywhere.

I might have not learned much in high school, Mark Paul Gosselaar, but I damn well knew how to show respect for a chair.

Once you’re sufficiently removed from high school, you begin to realize that in the grand scheme of things, high school is small peanuts. In general, you’re smarter, stronger, hungrier, more experienced, and maybe even borderline bangable. Who cares what you wore today, or if you looked like a nerd answering that question during class? You can still go back to your dorm room or apartment, polish off a half dozen Locos Tacos, and find plenty of other more important reasons to truly pity yourself.

Taco on the inside, Doritos on the outside, very watery poo a little bit of everywhere.

All that said, I do realize that High School Noms had a leg up on current me in a number of categories. Undoubtedly this is true for you as well. Don’t believe me? Ask the dishes.

1. Having Energy


According to physics, energy is an indirectly observed quantity that cannot be created or destroyed. Physics is a nice enough guy, but sometimes you have to admit that he kinda talks out of his ass, because I have a lot less energy than I did 10 years ago. Did you ever stay up til 4am playing video games or walking around drunk? Well, those days are long gone. I could be threatened with midnight violence, extreme physical danger, or even strange (generally it’s a combination of the three), and I’d still be in bed well before anything interesting happened. My desire to hang out in a 7-11 at 2:25am has been tempered by my desire to wake up at 7am and have a shitty cup of coffee at Panera. What a downer.

2. Rock and Roll

Knowing how to rock decreases exponentially with age. Even just calling it rock and roll has destroyed any shred of young credibility I might have had. But if memory serves me, the most important thing about rock attitude is not giving a shit about authority or conventions. Rock is driving fast, blasting the stereo, and living with your parents. Now I drive slow and try not to disturb other drivers and pedestrians with excessive noise. Maybe in another 30 years I’ll stop giving a shit again. Hopefully.

3. Math and Foreign Language

The equation for your shot at losing your virginity.

Quick, solve for x: 5x + 3 = 38. Now do it in Italian. Problems like this were child’s play in high school, along  with not being attractive to women. These days I can’t do math to save my life, and I can barely even eat Italian. It’s probably a use-it-or-lose-it thing, but I’d rather blame my advanced age for my inability to keep the cognitivities on full blast. Capisce?

4. Technology

It's Burger Time, fuckers.

I grew up during the golden age of AIM and PlayStation, so naturally I can adapt to new technologies. And that, friends, is a lie. I don’t know what happened, but around 2002 I lost the ability to use any handheld devise, gaming system, or (future) “smart” technology. I don’t even know where to start with Pizza vs. Skeletons. That game is impossible without buttons. Little known fact: I had my assistant transcribe this whole weblog.

5. Anything with Pants

Just like all of you, I put on my state sponsored repression one parachute leg at a time.

Everything about pants these days is a mystery for me. I think it’s because they involved simple math and Italian designers. It all seemed so straightforward in high school – just buy a pair that fit and looked decent, and don’t get caught wearing JNCOs. High school me had this down to a science. Now they never fit right, and I don’t know what’s considered fashionable. Is there such a thing as too stonewashed? Google tells me yes, and no, so I remain confused. I’m about done with this 5,000 year long pants experiment anyways. Just don’t even try to get me to wear them anymore, because that’s not the world I know and love.

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