Current Events: NBA Playoffs edition

Well it’s finally May, and you know what that means: time to suffer through another drawn-out postseason of NBA basketball.  Have you ever met someone that was thrilled about the 1st round of the NBA Playoffs? Nobody is. Especially not the players.

Somebody’s excited not to be playing!

The NBA Playoffs 1st round is easily the worst 1st round in all professional and collegiate sports. It’s so boring, when given the option between it and the PBS News Hour, you chose whiskey. So let’s see what happening in the news, and maybe if you’re drunk enough, you too will see some type of tangential comparison between the mom that put her kid in a tanning bed and an otherwise sleep-inducing San Antonio-Utah series.

Newt Drops Out of Race, Moon Jokes Now on Permanent Hiatus.

Are you going to eat/belittle that?

Normally, when a candidate for office drops out of a Presidential race, we’re left feeling one of three feelings:

1) Sadness, because that was my guy and he was the best person for the job.
2) Relief, because man, what a pain in the backside that guy was!
3) Indifference, because it was Tim Pawlenty.

Newt, however, defies convention, and not only because he has several potato-like features. For a guy with who I share no political connection, I will miss him and the humor he brought to the race, much of it unintentional and occasionally cringe-inducing. You know that he would’ve bombed in the General election, but at least he was interesting on some level.

NBA Playoff Series: Memphis Grizzlies vs. Los Angeles Clippers

I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING AT!

Neither of these teams is a real contender, but at least there are enough oops to keep it interesting. Two historically awful, cringe-inducing teams, finally with some real talent. P.S. I’m pretty sure OJ Mayo is sporting a Wooly Willy magnetic beard.

 

The Tale of Chen Guangcheng: International Relations Done Horribly Wrong.

Don’t switch the blade on the guy in shades, oh no.

If you’ve heard the phrase “Chinese Activist” in the past two days, chances are you spent a great deal of time pondering how to parlay it into a very racist one-liner. And by all measures, you succeeded. The US snuck oft-imprisoned political activist Chen Gaungcheng into a US Embassy, then decided they would just drop him off at a hospital and GFTO’d. Yes, here it is again: the State Department moved a guy that was under Chinese house arrest from a safe embassy location to a place that wasn’t what I just mentioned. Nice thing to do to a blind guy, huh? Gaungcheng has been praised for campaigning against Chinese human rights abuses, especially the government’s policy of forced abortions.

NBA Playoff Series: Chicago vs. Philadelphia

It might be ugly defense, but it’s the only type of defense Joakim Noah knows.

Much like the Chinese government, David Stern is forcing this abortion…of a series upon the viewing public! Derrick Rose is injured and somehow the NBA doesn’t have the decency to call the series? Just end it already. Seriously, just give us asylum from this madness.

Junior Seau: Retirement, for real.

Gonna miss this way much.

Just sad. So talented and special as a big-time NFL player, and yet obviously very much prone to episodes of driving his car off a cliff. It’s also sad to see a guy go that was willing to devote so much time and money to his foundation for kids. When was the last time we could earnestly say that? Not 6 months ago. Am I the only one that say this coming a mile away? Still tragic as all get-out.

NBA Playoff Series: Los Angeles Lakers vs. Denver Nuggets.

Danilo Gallinari: best tickler in the league.

We know how this is going to end, and it won’t be on a high note. I’m sure the NBA will not miss an opportunity to talk about this series in third person. Er…sorry.

Bombers Planned to Blow Up Cleveland Bridge; People Would Still Find Way Out of City.

Caring about bombing things? That doesn’t rank high on the hipster scale.

Okay, this one is fair game because nobody was in danger of getting hurt and it turns out the FBI was trolling these guys pretty hard. I pulled up the picture of these guys an half expected to hear a Strokes song playing in the background. Maybe I should feel threatened or unsafe, but honestly, this is the kind of incompetence that you have to applaud. Dangerous people off the streets is a good thing; bonus points for getting stupid people off the streets too.

NBA Playoff Series: Miami Heat vs. New York Knicks

To be fair, I make the same faces at my job.

5 guys on the verge of an explosion? Sounds like the whole starting lineup for the Knicks. Also, sounds like the starting lineup of the Heat.

“Glad we got that over with”, you’ll be saying after reading this and watching the first round draw to a close. Fear not, friends – things are bound to get better. This is how we separate the wheat from the chaff. An exciting Philadelphia-Atlanta series is just on the horizon. Grab the whiskey.

 

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